The last fight saw Abraham Lincoln gain unholy power from an unknown cult, which he put to use to defeat Al Gore. The new, super-powered Abraham Lincoln created a massive disturbance in the Force, which has drawn the attention of the Emperor from the Star Wars movies. I’m not going to call him Palpatine unless someone can actually site somewhere in the original trilogy where he was referred to as anything but “the Emperor” or “My Lord.” The Emperor managed to defeat Frieza ages ago, and made a brief appearance previously in the Contest of Champions, where he lost to Darth Vader.
Archive for Star Wars
By my count, this is the tenth time the Incredible Hulk has appeared in this section. If he manages to win this battle, he will have won seven fights, which will tie the number of wins Bruce Campbell had before retiring (minus the Biggest Damned Fight Ever). And, while the Hulk isn’t undefeated like Bruce Campbell was, maybe it’s time for old Greenskin to pack it in – even he gets sick of smashing once in a while. And who am I to begrudge the green guy a peaceful retirement? To make it there, though, he has to deal with one more contender: the very first person that beat him, Darth Vader. Vader himself has appeared on this page a number of times, and will be looking to regain the championship after having it stripped from him by Christopher Walken.
This fight seems pretty much like a no-brainer in terms of class. In one corner there is the ultimate embodiment of corruption via power and obsession with said power, created by J.R.R. Tolkien and brought to life on screen by Andy Serkis. In contrast to that we have what I can only image is the after effects of some bad crack taken by George Lucas as he thought up the story for The Phantom Menace. The presence of Jar Jar Binks was toned down by the second episode, by the damage had already been done by then.
This fight came as a result of two things. First, I saw the trailer to the third and thankfully final Star Wars prequel. It didn’t make me want to watch the movie, but it had some neat-looking action scenes in it. Secondly, I read the comic book mini-series Green Lantern: Rebirth, which reminded why the Green Lantern is so damned cool, despite my rantings about old episodes of Superfriends over in the Comic Book Rants section. And these two groups have a lot in common. They are both powerful groups that preserve order in the universe, though the Jedi are more like lawmakers while the Lanterns are more like cops. They both use their willpower to draw upon some powerful cosmic voodoo; the Jedi use the Force to work their magic while the Lanterns use their power rings to create anything imaginable. Weird-looking aliens form large portions of their ranks, though I don’t remember any Jedi that resemble talking squirrels. And, of course, they are both run by really old, decrepid, and weird-looking aliens: the Jedi have Yoda, and the Lanterns have the Guardians of the Universe. Now these two forces of good are fighting in a gigantic galactic arena to determine which group is best suited to defend the universe. Or, more accurately, because I thought it would be cool.
Two of the most ominous people in the universe face off against one another in this battle. In one corner we have this section’s reigning champion Darth Vader, a man-machine of seemingly unstoppable power. His foe will be a man so scary that I’ve balked at every opportunity up to bring him back since his brutal defeat of Daredevil. I love his acting and he’s a fine dancer, but I’m afraid to say his name three times in a row lest I summon him up from some other Hellish dimension.
This battle marks one of the few times that we have two people who have already battled in their cinematic lives: Darth Vader and the Emperor Palpatine. Vader is the reigning champion on the page, and Palpatine bested Frieza in a previous fight. Everyone knows the outcome of their last battle, however, so I don’t know why I really decided to have them face off again…
In one corner we have the biggest, most powerful windbag of all time. Don’t get me wrong, I think that Frieza makes for a decent villain, but his freaking battle scenes and transformations make me sick. Who needs three goddamned weeks to fight a battle that was supposed to be five minutes? (End rant.) And then we have the dark lord and master of the galaxy. His powers with the Force make folks like Darth Vader and Obi Wan Kenobi looks small. We’re giving the Emperor the Death Star for use in this battle, since Frieza will most likely shrug off any other attack.