Theodore Roosevelt is the first action hero of the 20th century who spent more time warmongering and showing off America’s kickassitude than any other pre-Cold War president. Conan the Barbarian is a man whose exploits in drinking, wenching, and killing have warranted him decades of popularity, several comic books, a series of live action movies, and a Saturday morning cartoon show. Teddy wants his own cartoon show. He’ll have to go through Conan to get it, apparently.
Archive for Conan the Barbarian
Hellboy just bested David Bowie to become the reigning champion. Facing off against this spawn of Hell is the legendary Conan the Barbarian, whose sword and sorcery adventures form the backbone of the pulp fantasy genre. Conan previously took out He-Man in battle to earn his way here. I’ll leave Orko out of this fight…probably.
Conan and James Bond may come from different worlds, but they are truly kindred spirits. They both enjoy the simple things in life, like fine liquor, fast cars (or in Conan’s case, horses), promiscuous women, and lots and lots of cold-blooded murder. Now these two get a fight all to their own where they can shoot, stab, and debaucherize across the globe. And along the way, one of them will probably kill the other. You know how boys are.
He-Man is a simple man with a magical sword that allows him to transform into the strongest man in existence. He also has a green striped panther that he rides into battle. His look is largely stolen from Conan the Barbarian, a character created by Ron E. Howard. Conan has three modes: kill, have sex, and loot. He’s none too happy about He-Man stealing his look, and is hoping to get into kill mode for this fight, followed by some looting. Having sex with He-Man is probably not on top of Conan’s list of priorities, but I could be wrong.
Anyone remember the 80s? Back in the day where Arnold Schwarzenegger was the ultimate badass and he got paid by the line? We can forget everything else that happened then. What matters for this fight is that we have Conan the Barbarian versus the T-800 in a matchup of Schwarzenegger’s early (and some would argue best) roles. Conan is a warrior, a wanderer, and eventually a king in the land of Hyboria who seeks nothing more than to crush his enemies, see them driven before him, and hear the lamentations of their women. The T-800 is a cold, ruthless killing machine – in many ways a kindred spirit to Conan, although as a robot it doesn’t actually have a spirit. Continue reading