Following the destruction of Sesame Street in the last fight, Bert has become a fugitive and is on the run. Chasing him down between vidka martinis and rolls in the hay with sexy foreign ladies is James Bond, Britain’s top secret agent. Armed with a dry wit, a Walther PPK, and all the gadgets that Q Division can come up for him, Bond has previously managed to best Conan the Barbarian and is now setting his sights on the yellow puppet with the unibrow.
Archive for Bert
Having gained a narrow victory over Vash the Stampede, Deadpool is the new champion. The first opponent for this unpredictable homocidal loudmouth is the detail-obsessed, pigeon-loving control freak from Sesame Street known as Bert. Bert has previously played the role of the evil mastermind on this page, but may or may not have reformed since his last defeat at the hands of his former roommate. Deadpool, meanwhile, may or may not even be aware that he’s part of a tournament – he might just be killing for fun, or because he thinks he’ll make some money at the end of it all.
This rivalry goes back a ways. In the days before there was a contest of champions, Ernie finally rose up and defeated Bert, who had oppressed him for years. Sure, they seem like the best of buddies on Sesame Street, but that’s only a fairy tale facade hiding the ugly truth. In that battle, Bert disappeared into the sewers. Since then, he had honed his skills and plotted revenge against his fuzzy orange foe. Now he emerges to reforge his oppressive reign over that place called Sesame Street, and only Ernie can stop him.
We’ve already established Bert as an evil mastermind in the Tick versus Superman fight. Now we get to see the meanest puppet in the world take on his whipping boy, Ernie. Bert has kept his public image rather clean while running the underworld of Sesame Street for years. He is known for his one eyebrow, nasty disposition, and fetish for pigeons. Ernie has been abused by Bert for years. His only retaliation has been the occasional tearing off of Bert’s nose, for which he received severe beating once out of the view of the public. Ernie is arguably the most wholesome persona on Sesame Street (you don’t even want to know the type of stuff Elmo’s into…), and has kept his sanity for all these years thanks to the constant companionship of his Rubber Duckie. Continue reading
The Tick is a simple-minded and stout-hearted defender of justice who fights crime in The City. He has a sidekick named Arthur who dresses like a moth and has a dog named Speke. The Tick is super strong and nigh invulnerable. He has a slight advantage here because he never died, came back, got split into four different heroes, lost his powers, gained his powers, got split into two more heroes, then suddenly went back to the way he was. Aside from that fiasco in the 1990s, Superman was born on the planet Krypton, where, depending on who has told his origin, either everybody was normal or everybody had super powers. On the eve of his planet’s death, he was rocketed off to Earth where he took up the alias of Clark Kent. He has super strength, speed, intelligence, nigh invulnerability, heat vision, x-ray vision, and flight. Continue reading