Contest of Champions: Captain America versus James Bond
Captain America is the site’s reigning champion and the pinnacle of American manliness. James Bond gets here for having defeated Conan the Barbarian, and represents the pinnacle of British manliness. Well, actually, Bond is pretty much the pinnacle of manliness regardless of nationality, with his hard-drinking womanizing license to kill lifestyle. We’ll see if blue scale mail and American values can win out against the general love of fast cars, saucy women, and bad one-liners.
Unknown to James Bond, MI-6 has been infiltrated by agents of HYDRA, who send 007 out as an assassin to kill Captain America. Bond’s job is not to question but rather to use his license to kill, and in moments he’s jetting off to America to take out the Captain. Naturally, said flight involves a lot of unprotected sex with stewardesses.
Once in America, Bond takes his time setting up the kill, observing Captain America’s activities from afar and preparing to do the job. He waits until Cap is in his Steve Rogers identity, thus avoiding having to worry about shooting through chainmail or getting a bullet past that shield of his, then fires with a sniper rifle. The gunshot hits Cap in the torso and kills him.
Seem simplistic and anti-climactic? Hey, it worked in Marvel’s Civil War. Round One goes to James Bond.
As Bond is packing up his sniper rifle, He’s suddenly hit in the face by a red, white, and blue shield. That’s right – the Captain America that Bond thought he had killed was actually a lame plot device for when a writer gets stuck in a corner Life Model Decoy, or LMD robot. Bond gets ready to fight back against the real Captain America, but Cap suddenly breaks and runs. Despite the fact that it’s obviously a trap, Bond chases after Cap because it makes for a nice Casino Royale-style parkour scene. Round Two goes to Captain America.
The chase brings the two combatants into a meeting of the Lady Liberators, which is a group of tall, statuesque super-ladies. Cap stops running and stands his ground here, but Bond finds himself torn between the desire to finish the fight and the overwhelming urge to crack wise and seduce every single one of these mighty spandex-clad ladies. The conflict causes Bond to literally split in two, as his murderous tendencies face off against his overcharged libido in a showdown similar to the Evil Superman/Clark Kent battle from Superman III. Cap teams up against Bond’s murderous instinct and helps the libido-Bond defeat him. With Cold-blood Bond gone for now, Libido Bond has no interest in going after Cap anymore, instead choosing to woo tall statuesque women such as the She-Hulk. Cap then heads off to Britain and takes down HYDRA, restoring M to power within MI-6. Round Three and the fight go to Captain America.