Fiction: Happy Valentine’s Day

These things are scary.“So you’re probably wondering about the Gila monster.”

“What Gila monster?”

“The one in your basement.”

“There’s a Gila monster in my basement?”

“Well, not exactly. I mean, there would have been, if the feds hadn’t gotten involved.”

“The feds?”

“Yeah. It turns out they don’t like people smuggling poisonous lizards across the border.”

“They caught you smuggling a Gila monster into America?”

“Well, not exactly. See, I know you really like Mexico, so I flew down there and tried to bring back something authentic as a gift for you.”

“And you decided to bring a Gila monster back?”

“Not at first, no. Originally I had my heart set on a giant sombrero or a bottle of tequila or something. But then I figured that anyone can order something like that online and slap a sticker on it that says, ‘Hecho en Mexico.’”

“Well, that’s a nice thought, I guess…”

“I knew you’d appreciate it. So I thought I’d go out in the desert and get you a piece of cactus that only grows in Mexico. But then I remembered that the border patrol doesn’t allow any fruit or vegetables back into the States.”

“I see.”

“Then I saw a two-foot long Gila monster basking in the sun and figured he’d be perfect. I had a duffel bag with me, so I thought I’d just toss him in my carry-on bag and hide him on the plane ride home.”

“You didn’t think the border patrol would find something like that?”

“Well, not exactly. To tell you the truth, the feds weren’t my biggest problem.”

“What was your biggest problem?”

“I couldn’t afford a plane ticket.”

“Then how did you get to Mexico in the first place?”

“Well, I found a huge suitcase that could fit me. I threw it onto the conveyor belt and climbed inside when nobody was looking. Then I rode in the baggage compartment all the way to Mexico.”

“Really?”

“Well, not exactly. It turns out that you can’t get to the baggage area without buying a ticket these days. So instead I ended up stuck outside the airport with no ticket and a gigantic suitcase.”

“Then how did you get to Mexico?”

“It turns out I didn’t.”

“Then what about the Gila monster in my basement?”

“It turns out there isn’t one.”

“Then why bother telling me this story at all?”

“Because, you see, it’s Valentine’s Day and I didn’t know what to get you. I didn’t want to buy you something like chocolates or flowers, because anybody can do that. But I figured that no one else would come up with a story about smuggling a Mexican Gila monster into your basement.”

“You’re weird.”

“You’re smiling.”

“Yeah.”

“So, um…Happy Valentine’s Day. Maybe I’ll get you a Komodo dragon next year.”

“Hey, wait!”

“Yeah?”

“Do you want to go see a movie or something?”

“Can I hold your hand while we’re watching it?”

“If you want.”

“Cool.”

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One Response to “Fiction: Happy Valentine’s Day”

  1. I always loved this story.

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