Theodore Roosevelt versus the T-1000

The ultimate killing man versus the ultimate killing machine.Teddy Roosevelt was a little bit of everything: soldier, pioneer, environmentalist, president, warmonger. He has mowed down all competition that has come his way and continues an undefeated march in the Contest of Champions. The T-1000 has no hopes of going undefeated, as he previously lost to the Tin Woodman (maybe…time travel’s complicated stuff). He did however defeat Venom to earn his shot at becoming a champion.

Round One:
The first model of the T-1000 was not actually sent to kill John Connor. Instead, it was sent to the early 20th century as a test run to take out the toughest man alive in that time period, Teddy Roosevelt. The terminator finds Mr. Roosevelt on safari in Africa and immediately goes to work. After stalking him through the wilderness, he finally closes in for the kill just as Teddy is taking aim at an elephant. However, the T-1000 is built for the battlefield and urban environments, and isn’t properly trained for stealth in the wild. A simple snapped twig gains Teddy’s attention, and he whirls around and opens fire. The bullets, naturally go right through the T-1000’s liquid metal body. As the terminator closes in for the kill, Teddy pulls one last trick out of his bag. He lures the T-1000 close to the elephant he was hunting for and fires, killing the African pachyderm. The elephant falls over dead, landing on the T-1000 and squashing it like a bug. Round One goes to Teddy Roosevelt.

Round Two:
The T-1000 is slowed but not stopped by being pinned underneath an elephant. It turns into a silver puddle and then reforms, emerging from the ground in human form once again. With his guns useless and nowhere to retreat to, Teddy is forced to fight with his fists. He gives a shout of, “Bully!” and engages in melee with the killer robot despite being woefully outmatched in terms of strength and speed. Nonetheless, he fights admirably, drawing perhaps a slight hint of respect from the otherwise cold and emotionless terminator. After several minutes of fighting, the T-1000 finally lands a climactic blow, punching Teddy in the gut. He transforms his hand into a long steel blade on impact, impaling the former president. Round Two goes to the T-1000.

Round Three:
With one of his lungs punctured and losing blood at a rapid rate, Teddy is in a bad state of affairs. Nonetheless, he has one last-ditch plan. Knowing that there are many in the realms of time and space who would like to see Mr. Roosevelt defeated, Teddy has a morning ritual in which he swallows a large bottle of nitroglycerin and several other explosive devices. Sticking his finger down his throat, he spews forth a bevy of explosives, enough to take out half the continent of Africa if he were so inclined (which of course he isn’t – he is an environmentalist, after all!). Teddy redoubles his attack against the T-1000, punching a hole clear through the terminator’s body and then forcing explosives into the liquid metal as it reforms. He then sets it all off, resulting in a massive explosion that skeletalizes the poor elephant that perished back in round one. Unfortunately, while this staggers the T-1000, the robot is still able to reform after some time. The same can’t be said of Teddy, though. All anyone finds of him is some ash, mustache hair, and a safari hat. And, if there’s no body, that means he must have been completely incinerated…right? Right? Round Three and the fight go to the T-1000.

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