Theodore Roosevelt versus Conan the Barbarian

One of these guys is going to get an epic beatdown.Theodore Roosevelt is the first action hero of the 20th century who spent more time warmongering and showing off America’s kickassitude than any other pre-Cold War president. Conan the Barbarian is a man whose exploits in drinking, wenching, and killing have warranted him decades of popularity, several comic books, a series of live action movies, and a Saturday morning cartoon show. Teddy wants his own cartoon show. He’ll have to go through Conan to get it, apparently.

Round One:
Teddy Roosevelt goes out hunting for Conan the Barbarian. Using his superior stalking skills, he manages to sneak up on Conan and draw a bead on him. However, upon noticing that Conan does not have a gun of his own, Teddy decides that it is unsportsmanlike to shoot him from a range. He puts his gun away and takes out his hunting knife, then challenges Conan to a duel. The mighty barbarian looks at Teddy’s hunting knife, draws his own sword, and starts laughing at the obvious size advantage he would have in a fight. While he’s laughing, Teddy lunges forward, plunging the knife into Conan’s chest. Round One goes to Teddy Roosevelt.

Round Two:
The knife cuts Conan deeply, but fails to cut into any vital organs thanks to his massive chest muscles. With a flex of Conan’s pecs, the blade pops out, leaving only a badass scar that makes Conan look even more frightening than before. However, the minor damage has made the battle a little more personal to Conan. Eschewing his sword, he chooses his fists as a weapon for dealing with Teddy. After pummeling the politician, he lifts Roosevelt in the air and slams him down against his knee like a two-by-four. Thankfully for Teddy, his expert knowledge on human anatomy allows him to twist his body in just the right way to avoid having his spine snapped in two like a thin piece of plywood. Still, the pain is enough to send even the mighty Teddy Roosevelt rolling in agony at Conan’s feet. Round Two goes to Conan the Barbarian.

Round Three:
Teddy Roosevelt once got shot in the chest and went on to deliver a 90-minute campaign speech; he’s not about to let a little thing like severe spinal damage slow him down. At the same time, he realizes that he can’t out-muscle Conan, so he switches toward diplomacy. He offers his hand in friendship to Conan, offering him a chance to be the Secretary of War should his next re-election bid come to fruition (he’s considering founding the Time-Traveling Dead President party). Conan, however, has no interest in petty politics and spurns Teddy’s offer of friendship. Teddy responds with some good old-fashioned American diplomacy: a kick to the groin followed up by a gouge to the eye. He slaps Conan on the face and shows that he truly is before his time by busting out moves from the Three Stooges, a vaudeville act that didn’t even come about until after his death. Conan sends Teddy flying with one mighty blow and goes for his sword, determined to end this pesky fight. Unfortunately for Conan, his punch landed Teddy close to the rifle he discarded earlier. Deciding that Conan is no mere mortal man, Teddy picks up the rifle and aims while Conan is charging with his sword. The advantage of a rifle is that it can kill a man from some distance away. Conan goes down with a gunshot to the face. Then Teddy reloads and fires another couple into the barbarian’s skull, followed by two more to the chest. Got to make sure he stays down, after all. Round Three and the fight go to Teddy Roosevelt.


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