Solid Snake versus Theodore Roosevelt

These are two bad muthas...Thanks to my uncanny ability to ignore all Metal Gear games after the first Metal Gear Solid, Solid Snake is still a relatively young and highly skilled cloned supersoldier. Capable of taking on a tank with a few grenades and his bare hands, he is America’s best weapon in its ongoing war against evil animal-themed supervillains. This time around he’ll be taking on the original American badass, Mr. Theodore Roosevelt. Armed with an elephant gun and capable of thinning out the entire wild animal population of Africa while still being touted as an environmentalist, he’s ready to stand up to Snake. After all, he needs to add this elusive “Solid Snake” to his trophy wall.

Round One:
Finally cracking under the many wars he’s fought and the many, many, many times that someone has screwed with his genetic make-up, Solid Snake loses it and goes rogue. The only one capable of stopping him is the cryogenically frozen Teddy Roosevelt, who emerges from his 100-year stasis to kick some ass. Thew United States government tries to brief former President Roosevelt on the many things that have changed since the early 20th century, but he wants none of their intellectual chicanery. Armed with a Browning Auto-5 shotgun and a new pair of spectacles, Teddy sets out on the trail of Solid Snake.

Teddy tracks Snake down to the Florida Everglades, where he pauses every so often to take some new trophies. (“Ooh! I don’t have an endangered spotted owl on my wall yet! Better get one of those before they go out of style!”) Because of the distractions of the wild and the fact that Teddy isn’t much for stealth and subtlety, Solid Snake is able to sneak up behind Roosevelt and snap his neck. Teddy falls face forward and sinks into the muck of the Everglades. Round One goes to Solid Snake.

Round Two:
It takes more than severe damage to his spinal cord to stop Teddy Roosevelt. As Snake begins walking away, air bubbles reach the surface of the water where Teddy fell, alerting Snake that the danger is not yet over. Teddy emerges soon afterwards, fists clenched and teeth gritted in determination.

“Damn,” muses Snake. “You must have some pretty impressive dominant genes to recover from a broken neck.”

“Bah! Spare me your scientificological poppycock!” Teddy belts Snake across the jaw with a haymaker.

While Snake is recovering from the blow, Teddy decides to go for the old “Speak softly and carry a big stick” style of fighting. He tears a small sapling out of the ground and proceeds to beat Snake up and down the state of Florida with it. Round Two goes to Teddy Roosevelt.

Round Three:
Snake puts up his best fight, but it soon becomes apparent that Teddy is fighting with all the cheat codes on, metaphorically speaking. He shrugs off any serious damage, only taking cosmetic cuts and bruises that give him a chance to touch a hand to a bloody lip, glare, and then redouble his attack. Snake realizes that in order to win he’s going to have to fight with more strategy. He turns to run away so he can plant mines and get into a sniper position, but Teddy beats him to the draw. He whips out his shotgun and fires a series of shots in blazing cut-scene style glory. One of the world’s first semi-automatic weapons finishes Snake off, and Teddy takes his mullet as a trophy before leaving for drier ground. Round Three and the fight go to Teddy Roosevelt.

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