James Bond versus Solid Snake

Secret Agent Men.This is a fight between the suave, ever in control British superspy and the rough, scruffy American action hero. James Bond ranges from being a bruiser in a suit to a charmer who can save the world without getting his hair mussed. Solid Snake is a nicotine-addicted man who hits on anything with a pair of breasts and sports a mullet. The two superspies will go head to head to see which style is more effective.

Round One:
The American government sends Solid Snake to destroy a terrorist camp in South America, while MI-6 sends James Bond to do the same. Bond decides to charm his way in, seducing one of the female guards and using his clever repartĂ©e to disarm those who suspect that he might be a spy. Bond makes it all the way to within point-blank range of the terrorist leader before the camp is rocked by explosions. While Bond was charming his way under cover, Solid Snake snuck through the jungle in camoflage, shot a rocket launcher at the front gates, and burst onto the scene with a submachinegun, killing the guards. The ruckus leads Bond to conclude that he has no time to waste, and he shoots the terrorist leader in the head before trying to make a hasty getaway. Unfortunately, one of the guards witnesses Bond’s act and immediately concludes that the British fop must really be Snake’s partner. Bond is surrounded by machinegun-armed terrorists and forced to turn over his gun. Round One goes to Solid Snake. Video games give points for kills, not for puns and wit.

Round Two:
Things look grim for 007 until an explosion scatters the terrorists as Snake announces his entry. Furious at the American dunderhead’s lack of finesse, Bond picks up his gun and shoots Snake for all the problems he’s caused. Snake takes the shot to the head, but eats a ration pack immediately, magically closing the wound. Bond shoots Snake again, and Snake eats another ration pack. Although it causes no long-term damage, the gunshots to the face do hurt, and Snake decides to deal with the British annoyance. He challenges Bond to an unarmed fight, which Bond accepts. Within the first three swings, though, Bond pulls out his backup pistol and shoots Snake repeatedly at point-blank range. Apparently, he not only has a license to kill, but also a license to cheat. Round Two goes to James Bond.

Round Three:
Gritting his teeth in pain, Solid Snake pries Bond’s bullet out of his body with a knife and throws it back at 007. The gesture is largely meaningless, but it does give Bond a good example of the type of badassery he’s dealing with. Bond himself is unusually hesitant to re-enter the fight and isn’t feeling quite like himself. When he looks at his watch, he figures out exactly why.

“Good God! It’s been twenty minutes since I’ve had sex!”

Bond begins frantically looking for a hot Latino terrorist defector or undercover superspy that he can sleep with, only to discover that Snake killed them all. Snake, in the meantime, has spent years in Alaska where the most attractive female is a mother moose. Immune to the cravings of his libido unless an actual female is present in front of him, Snake pursues Bond but doesn’t kill him – soldier’s honor and all that. Ultimately, it is Bond’s own body that causes his demise. His enraged libido, deprived of intercourse for a full half hour, takes control of 007’s limbs and forces the superspy to strangle himself.

Snake waits until Bond’s body hasn’t moved for five minutes, then puts two bullets in James’s head. Not only is it a good way to be sure, but he’s got to make certain he gets credit for the kill even though he did relatively little work. Round Three and the fight go to Solid Snake.


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