Bert versus James Bond

Yeah...this seems fair and logical.Following the destruction of Sesame Street in the last fight, Bert has become a fugitive and is on the run. Chasing him down between vidka martinis and rolls in the hay with sexy foreign ladies is James Bond, Britain’s top secret agent. Armed with a dry wit, a Walther PPK, and all the gadgets that Q Division can come up for him, Bond has previously managed to best Conan the Barbarian and is now setting his sights on the yellow puppet with the unibrow.

Round One:
Using a special Muppet-sensitive radar supplied to him by Q branch, James Bond manages to track down Bert, who has stolen a ferrari and is riding through the Rocky Mountains. Eager to get a chase scene going, Bond has British Intelligence air drop his Astor Martin onto the highway, where he immediately starts driving recklessly in pursuit of Bert. Bert looks in his rearview to see Bond closing fast. He tosses some caltrops behind him in hopes of deflating the Aston Martin’s tires, but Bond’s armor-plated wheels ride over the spikes like they’re candy. Bond pulls up alongside Bert and slams his car into the side of Bert’s Ferrari, nearly driving them both off the road to their doom. Bert narrowly regains control of the car and floors it as the chase continues up a particularly high cliff. Bond goes to slam Bert again, but Bert puts on the brakes at the last minute. Bond’s car hits the guard rail, sending sparks flying before the speed of the car bursts through the fragile metal. Bond and his car go careening off a cliff, which is just as well since 007 is required to trash at least one expensive car in every case. Bert waits at the top of the mountain long enough to see Bond’s car hit the bottom and explode. Laughing evilly, he hits the gas again and drives off. After all, he tells himself, no one could have survived that! Round One goes to Bert.

Round Two:
Naturally, Bond is anything but dead. He parachuted out of the car and landed safely while obscured by the smoke of the explosion. Immediately upon landing, he has unprotected sex with several women, down a half-gallon of vodka and vermouth, and smokes a dozen cigarettes, because he’s fallen behind. He is also attacked by four random assassins, who he kills and then makes an appropraite pun about their deaths.

An hour or so later, Bert is still speeding through the Rocky Mountains when he notices another vehicle pursuing him. This time it’s Bond on a motorcycle with a sidecar full of cheap women, expensive booze, and cigarettes. Bert tries driving evasively again, but his car is a little less responsive after being smashed up by Bond in the previous round. Bond pulls up close to the convertible and leaps from the motorcycle into the car, where he and Bert engage in a hand-to-hand battle. Bert’s skinny arms and removable nose are no match for Bond’s melee skills, and the secret agent quickly gains the upper hand. Bond rips Bert out of the driver’s seat, throws him in front of the car, runs him over, and then dives out of the vehicle just before it careens into the side of a mountain. Brushing aside his slightly mussed hair, Bond deadpans, “Smashing,” as his theme music starts to play. Round Two goes to James Bond.

Round Three:
Despite being run over by a speeding car, Bert has no bones and thus is spared most of the physical pain that a normal person would be experiencing at the moment. He pulls himself off of the turf with his seams torn and stuffing coming out of his joints. 007 walks calmly toward Bert, ready to deliver the killing blow. In one last attempt to gain victory, Bert pulls a concealed gun, hoping to get the drop on Bond. The result should be familiar to all Bond fans: staring down the gun barrel, Bond spins, draws his gun, and fires. Red blood oozes down the front of the gun barrel, coming from a gaping hole in Bert’s forehead. Bert slumps over, dead, while the James Bond theme song plays again.

Bond will be back in the next fight. Bert will be back if I ever decide to write a battle between him and Satan. Round Three and the fight go to James Bond.


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