Vash the Stampede versus Zechs Merquise

Both of these guys are pretty fabulous.Despite a spoken desire not to harm any living being, Vash has proven quite adept at kicking the crap out of anyone who has come across his path so far. Trying to put him down this time will be Zechs Merquise from Gundam Wing. Also known as the Thundercount, also known as Milliardo Peacecraft, Zechs seeks absolutely pacifism through killing millions and removing any desire for people to continue fighting. That strategy worked well against Batman, where he also managed to destroy the world. Hopefully he won’t go that far this time, as I’ve come to quite like the world.

Round One:
Seeing that Vash causes destruction everywhere he goes, Zechs takes it upon himself to end the existence of the Human Typhoon. His first instinct is to meet Vash in an honorable battle, but then he considers the fate of all those who have tried fighting the man on equal terms. It’s not a particularly dark fate, since Vash never actually kills anyone, but Zechs is in no mood to be comically embarrassed. Instead he decides to go straight for the kill. He hops into the Tallgeese, which is a large gun-toting mech and not a lanky breed of white-feathered bird. He finds Vash and immediately opens fire with the Gundam’s laser cannon. The blast catches Vash full on and seems to instantly disintegrate the wanted outlaw. Round One goes to Zechs Merquise.

Round Two:
Zechs opens the hatch of his Gundam to get a clearer look and see if the fight is really over already. If he had the Internet in space, he would realize that it’s still got a couple more rounds – has any battle on this page ever actually ended in just one round?

As it turns out, Vash stumbled while he walking and fell into a ditch just before the Tallgeese fired. The blast singed his red jacket as a result, but left him pretty much unharmed. Seeing Vash getting up from the debris kicked up around him, Zechs growls and climbs back into his Gundam. He fires a barrage of energy blasts, which Vash comically dodges while yelping for help. While Vash is dodging around, he accidentally kicks up a small rock. The rock hits one of the Tallgeese’s joints and by sheer coincidence gets jammed in the Gundam’s gears. The Tallgeese makes a grinding noise and then falls over, disabled by the natural shield of chaos that seems to follow Vash around wherever he goes. Round Two goes to Vash the Stampede.

Round Three:
Zechs climbs out of his ruined Gundam and decides that he’s going to have to finish Vash the old-fashioend way. Unfortunately, by the time he’s free of the mech and ready to aim a gun, Vash already has his own large handgun cocked and ready. Zechs freezes and puts his hands up.

“My,” says Zechs, looking at Vash’s massive weaponry. “You Americans certainly have large penises…erm, guns.”

“I’m not American,” responds Vash. “I’m a plant.”

“I thought they called you people fruits.”

“I never saw Clue.”

“Then how do you know that was the movie I was referencing?”

Vash thinks about this for a moment, and Zechs tries to use the distraction to his advantage. However, Vash still has superhuman reflexes. He shoots out Zechs’ kneecap, then delivers a heart-felt apology for causing such pain. He hands Zechs some painkillers and then heads on his way. The Thundercount is in no condition to follow, as both he and his Gundam have been rendered immobile. Round Three and the fight go to Vash the Stampede.


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