Vash the Stampede versus Tenchi Masaki

Two of the goofiest yet most competent characters in anime.Vash the Stampede is a pacifist who also happens to be one of the biggest badasses in the galaxy. Tenchi Masaki is a well-trained badass who happens to be one of the biggest schmoes in the galaxy. Despite his youthful awkwardness, however, he’s also an amazing ladies’ man who apparently makes every crazy woman he meets fall madly in love with him. Tenchi previously bested Luke Skywalker with the help of his superpowered would-be girlfriends. We’ll see if he can manage alone or if he’ll need them again here.

Round One:
Traveling around the globe, Vash stops by the Masaki shrine for some rest and solace. Having worked up an appetite through climbing all the stairs to the Shinto shrine, he digs into the generous offer of food an rest extended to him by Tenchi’s grandfather. Unfortunately, Vash’s hunger and bumbling attempts at recreation are seen as rude by the shrine’s other inhabitants, such as the multitude of psychotic women that live there. They eventually force Tenchi to stand up for him, shoving him into battle to defend their honor, and the fight begins.

The first round is largely a non-fight, since Vash doesn’t want to hurt anybody and Tenchi doesn’t really want to start any trouble. Reluctantly, however, Tenchi picks up a wooden training sword and lunges, giving a half-hearted, “Er…take that!” as he strikes. Vash raises his arm to block, and the sudden interaction of Tenchi’s Jurai power, which can alter plantlife, and Vash’s body, which is a sentient plant, causes Vash’s angel arm to go haywire. Vash inadvertently fires off a cannon-like blast that leaves a massive crater in the ground. Realizing that th red-coated stranger represents an actual danger to his family, Tenchi starts powering up for battle. Round One is a draw.

Round Two:
With his powers going haywire and his arm manifesting into a variety of small cannons, Vash frantically tries to focus his energy into a less destructive outlet. As his hair grows black from the loss of his life force, he starts manifesting feathers and flowers, trying to keep with his hippie “Peace and love” mentality. The fact is, though, that his body is an out of control living weapon, and each of the flowers he creates detonates into an explosion. Finally, Tenchi intervenes to make sure that Vash doesn’t leave the Masaki shrine a smoking crater. Manifesting the Lighthawk Wings, he grabs Vash and flies into space with him. There, the two can do battle without harming anyone. Tenchi gets the early advantage, as Vash is still dazed by the power of Jurai. Using his light sword, Tenchi cuts into Vash, leaving several gashes in him and doing his best to subdue the walking natural disaster. Vash himself does little this round other than block and bleed. Round Two goes to Tenchi Masaki.

Round Three:
In the darkness of space, Vash realizes two things. First, the kid attacking him is immensely powerful. Second, there is no one else to hurt out here, unless he misfires and accidentally destroys a moon or small planet. As such, Vash starts letting loose in his defense. His hair blackens even further as he transfers his life energy into natural defenses. First of all, he creates a surrounding of metallic feathers to defend himself from Tenchi’s blows. These feathers shatter upon impact with Tenchi’s sword, but at least they slow him down a little. Then Vash powers up the Angel Arm, transforming his arm into a huge cannon and taking aim at Tenchi. He fires at point-blank range. Subconsciously, the Light Hawk wings rearrange themselves in a defensive shield around Tenchi, but the blast is still enough to knock the kid out of orbit and down to Earth. As Vash suspected, however, Tenchi’s power protects him well enough to keep him alive. Tenchi hits the ground and loses consciousness. Vash follows shortly afterward, falling from near orbit and landing with a comical, “Thud.” It is Vash that stands up first, however. He watches the concerned women surround Tenchi and begin to coddle him, dusts off his coat, and staggers away, continuing his lonely journey while some faux-western music plays in the background and the credits roll. Round Three and the fight go to Vash the Stampede, who continues his lonely existence of senseless brutality.


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