Vash the Stampede versus Deadpool

Can a loudmouth mutant mercenary throw Vash off his game?Vash the Stampede continues rampaging through the fights page, knocking out yet another character from Japanese manga with his recent victory over Zechs Merquise. Now it’s time for the Americans to get back into the fight, this time moving over to the Marvel Universe. Facing Vash now is Deadpool, the Merc With a Mouth. Like Vash, Deadpool is kind of a doofus. Also like Vash, he is capable of killing thousands of people if left unchecked. Unlike Vash, Deadpool doesn’t mind just flipping out and shooting folks. We’ll see if good intentions can stop sheer assholery.

Round One:
Deadpool decides that it’s time to go for the brass ring and become champion of this page. To do that, he’ll have to knock off Vash the Stampede. Deadpool first carefully studies his opponent, which is really just Wade Wilson code for watching Skinemax and assuming that he’ll come up with a plan later. When it finally comes time to fight Vash, Deadpool starts out by trying to anger the Human Typhoon. He comes up with what he thinks are long and witty diatribes against Vash’s mother, his ancestry, and his body odor. To each of those, Vash either laughs the insult off or says, “Peace and love.” Vash’s hippie nature eventually causes Deadpool’s plan to backfire on him. Completely fed up with the peace-loving attitude of his opponent, he shoots himself in the head. Round One goes to Vash the Stampede.

Round Two:
A bullet to the brain would be enough to put down most people, but not Deadpool. In addition to his amazing healing factor, there’s the simple fact that he doesn’t really use his brain. So within a few minutes Deadpool is up and ready to fight. This time, he foregoes all of that strategy stuff and opts for the shoot first, don’t ask questions strategy. Vash, sitting down to an ice cream parfait, is interrupted by a series of gunshots and several grenade blasts around him. He manages to dodge the bullets and explosions effortlessly, but Deadpool’s assault does manage to do one thing: it upsets the delicious parfait. Losing such a wonderful dessert is enough to set any man into a berserker rage, and Vash is no exception. He eschews his peace-loving attitude and is temporarily filled with blinding rage at the man who dared murder his delicious parfait. Round Two is a moral victory for Deadpool.

Round Three:
In the middle of the fight, Deadpool runs off to get himself a cowboy hat. He does this so he can properly meet the tone of the ensuing standoff where he and Vash stare each other down while reaching for their guns. Of course, the mood is kind of ruined by the fact that Deadpool is A) dressed in red and black spandex, and B) humming the theme music from The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly, badly butchering Ennicio Morricone’s classic as he goes. Finally, both of the combatants draw and fire. Vash, the perfect killing machine when he wants to be, is surprisingly well-matched against the loudmouth merc with superhuman reflexes. They draw their guns and fire repeatedly, acting at the exact same time. As a result, they wind up blowing each other to bits. Both combatants fall to the ground in bloody heaps. They’re only down temporarily, though, as each possesses healing abilities that will get them back into the fight. Still, Round Three is a draw, forcing us to head into extra rounds.

Round Four:
Vash and Deadpool both heal about the same time. Having earned each others’ respect, they choose to team up instead of fighting to the death, as seems to be tradition in comic book where the characters are evenly matched. As there are no super villains active at the moment (due to the super villain strike of ’09, during which union leaders Doctor Doom, Magneto, Lex Luthor, and Ra’s Al Ghul are holding out for full dental treatments after getting their teeth knocked out by meddling heroes), they instead choose to fight for the common man. Since I’m having a bad day and need some catharsis, the team of Vash and Deadpool start battling the fuckers whoa re responsible for my current mood (I won’t name names here, so feel free to imagine anyone who is currently annoying you and paste them over the faceless targets of this random violence instead). The team-up ends up being short-lived because Vash and Deadpool have opposing philosophies on how to deal with bad guys. Namely, Vash wants to rehabilitate them by teaching them the value of peace and love. Deadpool instead wants to shoot them full of holes and sell their organs to hot dog vendors. After Deadpool claims his first couple of kills and starts getting royalties from the profiting vendors, Vash steps in to stop him, and the fight gets going again. Round Four is yet another draw.

Round Five:
Getting a little tired with this long, drawn-out battle. Deadpool finally decides to give up. He throws down his guns, admits that Vash is probably right on target with this “Peace and love” stuff, and invites him out for ice cream. Never one to duck out of a free treat, Vash heads off to the local ice cream shop with his new buddy Deadpool. While they’re sitting at a booth, Deadpool draws another gun from who knows where (he is wearing nothing but spandex, after all) and fires repeatedly at Vash from underneath the table. Then he shoots Vash in the head multiple times for good measure. Then he steals a dump truck, plows it into the ice cream shop, and parks on on Vash’s bloodied body, just to make sure he won’t get up anytime soon. Then he hightails it out of town, because he’s done with this fight. Round Five and the fight go to Deadpool.


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