Hellboy versus Vash the Stampede

Can Vash's pacifist philosophies sway Hellboy?With three wins and no losses under his belt, Hellboy is becoming quite a force. Armed with an arsenal of weaponry, an assholic attitude, and an apocalyptic right fist, he has proven himself to be near invincible so far. Facing off against him is Vash the Stampede, the most wanted man in the universe. Despite his preaching about peace and love, he tends to wind up doing things like accidentally blowing up the moon. He managed to defeat Spike Spiegel from Cowboy Bebop previously, and probably has a decent chance of accidentally winning this fight as well.

Round One:
Vash goes about his usual business of trying to teach peace and love to the universe. He seeks out the most tormented soul he can find, eventually deciding that Hellboy is more than suitable. Once he’s met with Hellboy, he starts talking about how important the principles of nonviolence are and how sacred every single human life is. Hellboy gives the spiel about thirty second before he gets sick of that hippie bullshit and walks away. Vash, however, won’t let things drop and continues hounding the big red goon. Eventually, Hellboy has had enough. With a growl, he punches Vash in the face, knocking him through a wall. Round One goes to Hellboy.

Round Two:
Believing that Vash is out of his hair, Hellboy continues going about his day in a usual manner. Vash, however, returns to hound his newest target at every turn.

“Would you like some ice cream? What are your favorite flavors? Mine are peace and love.”

“I picked you some pretty flowers. These are peace posies, and these are love lilies.”

“BUY MY ONION!!! I mean…peace and love, man. Peace and love.”

Hellboy eventually has enough of this and decides that if one punch isn’t going to send Vash the message, multiple punches will. He starts beating Vash up and down multiple city blocks in an attempt to shut him up. Naturally, Vash doesn’t fight back. Round Two goes to Hellboy.

Round Three:
His face a mask of bruises and his vision blurred, Vash begins to slowly realize that maybe this big red spawn of Hades isn’t the best of guys to go preaching peace and love to. At the same time, he seems to have enraged Hellboy to the point where he won’t hear reason anymore. As such, Vash has no other choice but to actually fight. Once he gets into battle, the Humanoid Typhoon is able to stand up quite well against Hellboy. While he can’t match the big red guy in terms of strength or endurance, he has enough speed and skill to avoid suffering the worst damage from Hellboy’s punches. The problem, of course, is actually putting the big guy down. Even shooting him is only a temporary setback for someone with the capability of ending the world. Finally, trembling with reluctance, Vash readies his Angel Arm, a massive biological cannon capable of blowing a chunk off of the moon. He aims the arm for Hellboy’s right hand of doom and fires. The resulting explosion destroys most of the landscape around them and leaves the two combatants in a crater. Hellboy’s right hand is indestructible as always, but the shockwave knocks him unconscious. Vash, meanwhile, stands up shakily and wanders off into the sunset, distraught at the fact that he had to resort to violence once again. Since he’s the new site champion, he’ll probably have to toss that peace and love schtick aside for at least a little while. Round Three and the fight go to Vash the Stampede.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: