Hellboy versus Conan the Barbarian

Conan has fought plenty of demons in his day, but most don't use guns.Hellboy just bested David Bowie to become the reigning champion. Facing off against this spawn of Hell is the legendary Conan the Barbarian, whose sword and sorcery adventures form the backbone of the pulp fantasy genre. Conan previously took out He-Man in battle to earn his way here. I’ll leave Orko out of this fight…probably.

Round One:
Hellboy is a demon. Conan likes to kill demons. Boy, this might be the easiest fight setup I’ve had. Conan hunts down the hellspawn with the intent on running him through and taking his stuff. That is, after all, what the barbarian does. Hellboy notices the loincloth-clad Cimmerean approaching him and gets ready for a fight. He doesn’t draw any guns quite yet – he wants a challenge. Conan provides him that challenge early on, slashing into Hellboy with his sword. The blade opens up some deep wounds on Hellboy before he is able to dodge out of the way. But when it comes down to it, he has super strength and is not too far from being invulnerable. He demonstrates this by decking Conan with his right hand, sending the barbarian flying a few city blocks and knocking him into La-La Land. Round One goes to Hellboy.

Round Two:
Conan wakes up from his stupor to the realization that he has been bested in battle. That depresses him a little, but he realizes that he merely needs some training and recharging. Training and recharging are of course, euphamisms for getting drunk and having a lot of sex. In fact, just about everything that Conan says is a euphamism for drunken debauchery, including “eating breakfast,” “sharpening my sword,” and “getting drunk and having sex with lots of virgin women” (they’re not always virgins). Conan spends the night boozing and romancing, then charges back into battle with Hellboy early the next morning. Hellboy counters Conan’s not-so-suprise attack by decking him with his right hand, which again sends the barbarian flying a few city blocks and knocks him into La-La Land. Round Two goes to Hellboy.

Round Three:
Conan comes to again and starts rethinking his strategy again. Of course, “rethinking his strategy” is actually one of Conan’s euphamisms for drinking heavily and having a lot of sex. The guy should really talk to James Bond sometime. It is during one of these drinking sessions, however, that he comes up with a new strategy. He leaves his new virgin conquest unsatisfied so he can go off for some meditation. Focusing his body and mind, he works himself to the edge of a raging fury that will increase his strength and durability tenfold. In this berserker rage, he charges after Hellboy again, presenting an opponent who can potentially best the demonspawn in sheer strength and tenacity. Hellboy sees Conan coming and realizes that he won’t be able to just knock the barbarian away like a gnat again. So instead he takes out a really big gun and shoots Conan in the face. Conan’s trip to the ICU and his subsequent funeral are not in fact metaphors for drunken debauchery. Sorry, Conan. Round Three and the fight go to Hellboy.


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