Deadpool versus Bert

Better shake off that morning hangover and get to work, Bert.Having gained a narrow victory over Vash the Stampede, Deadpool is the new champion. The first opponent for this unpredictable homocidal loudmouth is the detail-obsessed, pigeon-loving control freak from Sesame Street known as Bert. Bert has previously played the role of the evil mastermind on this page, but may or may not have reformed since his last defeat at the hands of his former roommate. Deadpool, meanwhile, may or may not even be aware that he’s part of a tournament – he might just be killing for fun, or because he thinks he’ll make some money at the end of it all.

Round One:
Deadpool has been hired by an unnamed client to take out the felt-skinned terror that is Bert. He approaches the operation covertly by purchasing a full-sized Big Bird costume. Then he captures Big Bird, ties him up, and climbs into the costume, imitating the lovable but mentally challenged jumbo canary as he makes his way to Sesame Street.

On Sesame Street, everyone is wondering why Big Bird suddenly has such a foul mouth. Most of the Muppets there are pretty naieve, though. Bert is the first to realize that something is up, but he discovers it too late. As soon as Deadpool lays eyes on Bert, he pops out of the costume with guns blazing. Bert is fast enough to put other muppets in between himself and the crazed mercenary. As a result, Elmo gets shot in the head while Bert beats a hasty retreat back to his lair (the apartment building where he has been holed up since his last defeat). Round One goes to Deadpool.

Round Two:
Despite the fact that he has Bert on the run, Deadpool pauses. He gets into a loud debate with himself as to whether he should enter the apartment complex and gun Bert down personally or whether he should just put a ton of C4 around the foundation and blow up the whole building. Ultimately, his schizophrenic babbling comes to a compromise: he’ll gun Bert down, THEN blow up the building to make sure. However, Deadpool’s borderline dissociative identity disorder combined with his short attention span have given Bert the time he needs to recover. When Deadpool heads toward the apartment building, he is divebombed by a pigeon. The pigeon goes for his eyes with its talons and flaps its filthy feathers in Deadpool’s face. Deadpool manages to swat the pigeon away, but only in time to see another half dozen flying rats following suit…and dozens more beyond that. Every pigeon on Sesame Street flocks to the defense of their dictator Bert. Bert cackles evilly from his apartment window as Deadpool is chased up and down the block by crazed pigeons. Finally, the mercenary starts shooting, laying waste to more innocent Muppets and turning the pigeons into charred feather pillows. When Deadpool stops to reload, though, Bert drops an anvil on his head, Looney Tunes style. Round Two goes to Bert.

Round Three:
When Deadpool manages to shrug the anvil to the head off with only a little dizziness and some psychotic babbling, Bert realizes that he’s dealing with a truly deadly man. Thus he initiates Plan Gamma: the atomic destruction of Sesame Street. Bert beats a hasty retreat to a bomb shelter with a secret tunnel underground tunnel leading to safety. He then uses a remote planted in his wristwatch to detonate a gamma bomb in the sewers beneath Sesame Street. Deadpool is busy hacking down Bert’s door with a fire axe and yelling, “Here’s Johnny!” when he and the rest of Sesame Street are consumed by atomic green fire. According to comic book physics, 99% of the victims of the gamma blast are killed instantly. The remaining 1% have the genetic makeup to survive and become gamma-irradiated mutants. Deadpool is not in the 1%, but his incredible healing ability allows him to survive nonetheless. Unfortunately, growing back limbs is a slow process, made slower by the fact that a mutated green Cookie Monster continually gnaws on his charred torso. Round Three and the fight go to Bert.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s