Sephiroth versus Michael Jackson

Sephiroth has an awesome theme song, and Michael Jackson has some awesome songs of his own.After the last fight featured two manly men like Abraham Lincoln and Chuck Norris, I decided that I needed to find the most effeminate guys out there. And not just effeminate, but batshit crazy, too. And viola, here they are. First, there’s Sephiroth, who bested Darth Vader ages ago. Sephiroth looks like he wears makeup, but makes up for it with his huge penis sword and general badassery. He meets the crazy quotient because he wants to turn the world into his own personal spaceship. Then there’s Michael Jackson, who beat his clone/sister a while ago. He’s just…I mean…look at him. That ain’t right!

Round One:
Michael Jackson feasts on the souls of his foes in order to keep himself young. This time around, he chooses to go after someone who might be a bit too much for him. He chooses to seek out Sephiroth and devour his heart. Sephiroth initially laughs off the challenge, but decides that he should never pass up a chance to slaughter an inferior being, so he whips out his massive sword and slices Michael Jackson into pieces. Much to his surprise, Michael doesn’t die. The vast amount of plastic surgery that he’s gone through has long since surpassed his human side, to the point where he’s entirely artificial. The severed limbs and disemboweled organs crawl back together, reforming Michael as though he were the T-1000. Michael Jackson merely smiles his twisted zombie-like grin and prepares to continue the battle. Round One goes to Michael Jackson.

Round Two:
Michael Jackson presses his advantage in earnest, going into a frenzy against Sephiroth. However, Sephiroth is a skilled swordsman and possesses immense mystical power, which easily counters Michael’s emotion-driven attacks. The more ineffective he’s revealed to be, the more frustrated Michael becomes. Eventually, he gives into his frustration and tries to dance his worries away. Fueled by anger, however, his dancing becomes masochistic and perverse, to the point where he’s pounding on his chest, grabbing his nether regions, and dry humping street lamps. The police would get involved, but it’s Michael Jackson, so this is really just a normal night for him. Round Two goes to Sephiroth.

Round Three:
While Michael Jackson is rolling around on the ground in self-inflicted agony, Sephiroth decides that it’s time to finish the battle. Sephiroth decides to go for a Scorched Earth policy, and uses his magic to cause the sun to flare up and touch the Earth’s surface for a split second right where Michael Jackson is writhing about. The intense heat lasts for only a blink of an eye, but it’s enough to reduce Michael Jackson to a melted sludge of cosmetic plastic. Just to be on the safe side, Sephiroth scoops up what’s left of Michael, puts him in a jar, and sends him hurtling through space, just to make sure that the pop star won’t regenerate again and come back for more. Round Three and the fight go to Sephiroth.


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