Calvin and Hobbes versus Indiana Jones

Rushing off to adventure!Following their victory against the Tasmanian Devil, Calvin and Hobbes are declaring themselves the greatest adventurers of all time. While that may be the case, there are more than a few people who take some issue with that. Indiana Jones gets the first crack at the new champions through the right of seniority. He suits up with his bull whip and gun, and heads after Calvin and Hobbes to put them in their place. Incidentally, Hobbes is back to being an ordinary tiger; Calvin transmogrified him from the giant robot he became last fight.

Round One:
Indiana Jones is, as usual, artifact hunting. Since he doesn’t know anything about actual archaeology, though, he also isn’t sure what ancient treasure he should rob and carry away into a museum. He decides to go after Hobbes, since a sentient stuffed tiger seems like it would be quite a badass treasure. He sneaks into Calvin’s room while Calvin is taking a bath. Then he swipes Hobbes, leaving a bag of sand in the tiger’s place. Calvin gets into bed and cuddles up to Hobbes, only to realize that the sand has neither the size, shape, nor density of a stuffed tiger. In a rage, Calvin goes on a search for the missing Hobbes. Indiana Jones has a bit of a head start, but not a lot of one, since a bag of sand emulates a stuffed tiger about as well as it does a solid gold idol. Round One goes to Indiana Jones for stealing Hobbes.

Round Two:
Calvin’s pretty hyper even for a kid, and Indiana Jones is a seasoned explorer. As such, they can both run very, very fast. The ensuing chase scene through Calvin’s snow-covered neighborhood finds Indy a little bewildered by the bizarre snow “art” that Calvin created in his free time. Nonetheless, he’s able to navigate through the maze of decapitated snowmen and decorpulated snow animals to the street. But the momentary hesitation the snow art caused slows the famed explorer down just enough so Calvin catches up with him. Calvin comes in swinging, and Indy’s not about to punch out a kid. He defends himself the best he can, but no defense is good enough for a lucky shot to the pills, which Calvin eventually lands in his frenzy. Indy groans, grabs his groin, and staggers backwards. Round Two goes to Calvin and Hobbes.

Round Three:
Indy’s not the type of guy to beat on someone smaller than him, but a punch to the junk can sufficiently anger anyone. He reaches for his bull whip, determined to teach this kid a lesson. Calvin counters with something of his own: the bag of sand that Indy left in his bed. Calvin tosses the sand at Indy’s feet, and the explorer pauses for a moment as he tries to figure out if it’s really a bag of sand, a gold idol, or a stuffed tiger. The bag then morphs into a giant sand monster and attacks Indy. It turns out that Calvin’s imagination is infectious.

With his theme song playing loudly in the background, Indy does battle with the sand monster. He eventually grabs a snow blower, and uses it to disperse the creature’s body into the streets – thus making for safe driving for all in the process. What a hero!

Unfortunately for this hero, the sand monster serves as the perfect diversion for Hobbes to get free. While Indy is recovering from the battle, Hobbes pounces and does what a tiger does best. He eats Indiana Jones. Calvin and Hobbes then go back to their house, where Calvin’s mother scolds him for getting so dirty after just having taken a bath. Round Three and the fight go to Calvin and Hobbes.

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