Calvin and Hobbes versus Abraham Lincoln

Why did I decide to have these guys fight again?Calvin and Hobbes are the reigning champs so far. They’ll be taking on Abe Lincoln, who makes it here for busting up George Washington. By my count, Abe also happens to be the second greatest president in American history, right behind Franklin Roosevelt. Somewhere behind him I have George Washington, Bill Clinton, and Richard Nixon. Go ahead…tell me that I can’t like both Clinton and Nixon. I dare you.

Round One:
Calvin and Hobbes have made a deal with some head hunters on a remote southern island to collect the skulls of famous people through history. They hop in their time machine, deciding to start with Abraham Lincoln after he got shot. Unfortunately, due to a miscalibration of one cardboard knob, they wind up overshooting their destination, and land in a time before Abe became president. They find him chopping trees in the woods — you know, building a log cabin out of honesty and stuff. Refusing to admit that he’s made a mistake, Calvin sends out Hobbes to eat Abe whole, leaving his head as a trophy. However, Mr. Lincoln has some cat-like reflexes himself. When he sees a man-eating tiger charging at him from the wilderness, he brings up the handle of his ax and clocks Hobbes upside the head with it. His pride and skull hurt, Hobbes slinks back to Calvin. Round One goes to Abraham Lincoln.

Round Two:
With his best friend hurting, Calvin resorts to a strategy that he is loathe to use, but that he knows will get results: he breaks into tears. Bawling his eyes out, he runs up to Lincoln, shouting at the top of his lungs as though someone had just cut his arm off. While Lincoln is a badass, he’s also got a soft heart, and isn’t about to send a crying six year old away without trying to console him. He kneels down and asks Calvin what’s the matter. Naturally, Calvin takes this opportunity to seize the opening and bite Abraham Lincoln on the knee. Ever get bitten by a kid? It frikkin’ hurts. They’ve got jaws like pit bulls. Round Two goes to Calvin and Hobbes.

Round Three:
While Abe is hopping around in pain, Hobbes leaps at him, baring his teeth. At the same time, Calvin tries to kick the future president in the groin. Although he is temporarily knocked off balance by the fury of these attacks, Abraham Lincoln is ultimately a big guy with a big reach, and is more than capable of overcoming a six-year old and his stuffed tiger. He smacks Hobbes around until the jungle cat slinks away, and then grabs Calvin. Bending Calvin over his knee, he gives the boy a hard spanking. This act of discipline immediately triggers a massive time rift, as the touchy-feely times that Calvin comes from considers it child abuse. Dozens of children’s rights activists march through a time rift, threatening to envelope Abraham Lincoln in a wave of politically correct fury. However, Lincoln sticks to his decision and gives his new foes the middle finger.

“Screw all y’all,” he proclaims. “I’m Abraham fucking Lincoln!”

He then puts on a top hat, instantly grows a beard from the sudden burst of testosterone within him, and decides to run for president of the United States.

And the rest is history. Round Three and the fight go to Abraham Lincoln.

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