Abraham Lincoln versus the Emperor

Both come from a long time ago, but only one comes from a galaxy far, far away.The last fight saw Abraham Lincoln gain unholy power from an unknown cult, which he put to use to defeat Al Gore. The new, super-powered Abraham Lincoln created a massive disturbance in the Force, which has drawn the attention of the Emperor from the Star Wars movies. I’m not going to call him Palpatine unless someone can actually site somewhere in the original trilogy where he was referred to as anything but “the Emperor” or “My Lord.” The Emperor managed to defeat Frieza ages ago, and made a brief appearance previously in the Contest of Champions, where he lost to Darth Vader.

Round One:
Cosmic-powered Abe Lincoln is blasting around space testing out his newfound powers when the Emperor lays the plan for an attack. Because he’s the Emperor, he decides to use his actual evil empire to do something for a change. He sends an entire fleet of fighters to bring Abe in. Of course, the TIE-fighters are piloted by storm troopers, who have the aiming skill and reasoning capabilities of a five year old on crystal meth. As a result, they’re no match for the super-powered Great Emancipator.

While the fighters are dropping like flies, the Emperor gets a surging musical cue that elts everyone know that he has something up his sleeve. The fighters were only a distraction, giving one of the imperial star destroyers time to take aim at Lincoln. The massive battleship then unleashes its full force, producing enough energy to scorch a small continent off the face of a planet. It succeeds in overwhelming Lincoln’s newfound powers and knocking him unconscious. Abe floats helplessly in space, and the Emperor’s goons bring him aboard. Round One goes to the Emperor.

Round Two:
Abe awakes to find that his weird ass cosmic powers have burned out, largely because I’m sick of that plot device. Nonetheless, the Emperor is still keen on turning his foe over to the Dark Side. After all, as a primary investor in Dark Side, LLC, the Emperor gets a royalty check for every soul that gets corrupted.

The Emperor embarks upon his typical spiel, which is something along the lines of, “Blah blah blah…dark side…blah blah blah…hatred…blah blah blah complete.” You know, typical Star Wars-style dialogue. The speech doesn’t get through to Lincoln, though. Even though the former president never saw a single movie, he’s still smart enough to notice a Satan archetype when he sees one. So he pops the Emperor in the jaw, just before the old man finishes saying, “Dark side.” The Emperor falls down quite comically. Or at least it’s comical to me. I’m the kind of sick bastard who finds humor in old men getting beat up by dead presidents. Round Two goes to Abraham Lincoln.

Round Three:
The Emperor gets up, spits out a couple of teeth, and gets ready for the final showdown. Abe’s mind is too strong to allow the Emperor to mess with his mind and force him to commit suicide, so both fighters decide to bring out their big guns. The Emperor can shoot lightning from his fingertips. Abe’s special ability seems to involve building a log cabin with his teeth, or something. Seriously, I saw it in an A&E biography. Why would I lie about something so ridiculous? Unless, of course, it was all a ploy to fill space while I think of the next move. In which case, I suppose you’ve all fallen for the diversion, since you’re still reading this drivel…heh heh heh…


Despite his incredible mental training, the Emperor pauses and watches Abe build that log cabin of his. He’s just damned curious how 19th-century architecture is going to win the fight. Abe demonstrates just that when he’s finished — he picks up the log cabin and throws it on top of the Emperor, crushing him. No amount of Force magic is going to get the Emperor out of that one. But just to be sure, Abe sets the cruiser they’re in on a course bound for the center of the sun. Then he hops into an escape pod and rockets off home. See what teeth-based construction skills can do for you, kids? Round Three and the match go to Abraham Lincoln.

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