Abraham Lincoln versus Peter Griffin

Can Peter's ignorance of history help him against Lincoln?Peter Griffin of Family Guy fame once teamed up with his wife to beat the Simpsons, and thus has a shot at the title. Of course, to get there, he has to whup Abe Lincoln, who is 5-0 on the fights page (and, based on previous precedent, two wins away from being retired as an undefeated champion).

Round One:
Abraham Lincoln is still lost in the future and wandering about, trying to find his way home. He journeys to Quahog, Rhode Island on his tour of this day and age, and immediately gets a severe headache from the stupidity that blankets the town. One particular resident is not only stupid, but loud and obtrusive as well. He wanders through the town talking about how he wants to go to the libary and read up about nucular power. Then he plans on going to an eyetalian restaurant and axing the waiter for some spaghetti. Even Abraham Lincoln can take only so much of this drivel. Eventually, he gets a sturdy two by four and cracks Peter Griffin over the head with it, finally shutting the fat man up. Round One goes to Abraham Lincoln.

Round Two:
Peter gets up, touches the blood on the back of his head, looks at it, and then glares at Lincoln. Action movie music starts playing in the background, and Peter starts swinging wildly, expecting the ensuing battle to go something like his fights with a certain giant yellow chicken. You know, that repeat gag on Family Guy that recycles action movie clichés for five minutes out of a 20-minute long episode and isn’t really that funny in the first place except for the first time they used it when it was actually original and unexpected? Yeah…one of those. Except that Abraham Lincoln is a bit tougher than your average poultry, and Peter isn’t exactly in good fighting shape. So the fight doesn’t go much like one of those chicken fights. Instead, it’s more along the lines of Evander Holyfield versus $240 worth of pudding. That’s a whole lot of pudding, but it isn’t exactly a threat to a skilled fighter. Peter finds out how hard Abraham Lincoln can hit. Apparently, it’s pretty hard…hard enough to cause a need for reconstructive facial surgery, at the very least. Round Two goes to Abraham Lincoln.

Round Three:
With blood leaking out his ears, even Peter is bright enough to realize that he’s in a spot of trouble. He falls back on his last-ditch strategy of just taking every punch that Lincoln deals out and staying on his feet. The hope is that Lincoln will eventually tire himself out and give up. Peter’s pretty sure that he saw something like that on an episode of The Simpsons, but that might just be the concussion talking. Unfortunately, despite Peter’s massive girth, or perhaps because of it, he doesn’t have the endurance he would need for this strategy. Instead, Lincoln beats him senseless and then decides to leave Rhode Island forever. When Peter comes to, he crawls off to the Drunken Clam and drinks his pain away. That at least helps restore his pride, although it does nothing but make things worse for his massive internal bleeding. Round Three and the fight go to Abraham Lincoln.

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