Abraham Lincoln versus Lex Luthor

Yeah, Luthor was president once, too.Abraham is currently enjoying a nice win streak in the Contest of Champions. If you don’t know about him, you should probably hit the history books…he’s one of the most influential individuals in modern history (I think Jesus, Hitler, and Freddie Mercury might still have him beat). He’ll be facing off against Superman’s arch nemesis Lex Luthor, who enjoyed a stint as president himself before everyone in the DC Comics universe remembered that he was a homicidal megalomaniac. But Lex can still get a place in the history books if he manages to take down Mr. Lincoln.

Round One:
Following his last battle, Abe Lincoln is lost in the 21st century and looking for a way to go back home. He decides to check out the abode of local genius/mad scientist Lex Luthor, who is rumored to have a time machine lying around for those mad plots where he fails to destroy Superman. Lex responds to Lincoln’s request for help with arrogance and condenscention, which is pretty much par for the course with how the billionaire treats everyone (except for Superman, where he becomes a raving lunatic instead). Lincoln, coming from a different day and age, takes umbrage at this treatment, and challenges Lex to a duel. Lex agrees, and the pair meet at dawn to settle their differences with pistols.

Lex shows up on time, confident that Lincoln doesn’t understand what concealed body armor is and how it will help guarantee his victory. The two march out ten paces, turn, and fire. Except that Lincoln doesn’t shoot his gun – the weapon of choice was pistols, but there was no instruction as to how they had to be used. Instead, Lincoln launches the weapon like he’s throwing a baseball. As it turns out, Abraham Lincoln can throw a gun at greater speed than a fired bullet. The gun hits Lex square in the ribs. Although Lex’s body armor protects him from the potentially lethal blunt trauma, the blow does knock the wind out of him and send him flying back about ten feet. Lex lies on the ground dazed, and only vaguely realizes that he didn’t even get his shot off. Round One goes to Abraham Lincoln.

Round Two:
Luthor is hurt in body and pride, but he isn’t out of the fight yet. As Lincoln approaches to end the duel in an official capacity, Lex reaches into his pocket and taps a radio transmitter that he keeps as a last-minute contingency. The transmitter unleashes a horde of giant killer robots that attack the nearest city. Lincoln, valuing the safety of the public over his personal satisfaction, drops the duel in order to deal with the metal monstrosities. A group of titanium-jawed death bots is hardly a challenge for the man who held the United States together with his bare hands, and he defeats them with ease. Unfortunately, though, Lex Luthor uses the diversion to escape to his hideout. Round Two is a draw.

Round Three:
Logically, Lex should spend a while laying low until the heat clears. But he thinks with pride, not logic. He begins devising a way to defeat his new nemesis. Then he comes to a conclusion that he firmly believes to be truth: Abraham Lincoln is actually Superman in disguise. It all fits – the square jaw, the devotion to righteousness, the incredible strength, and the fact that there’s no other logical reason for a man who was shot in the 1860s to be drawing breath almost 150 years later. This theory is way better than that time he thought that poser Clark Kent was Superman.

With this newfound “knowledge,” Lex puts a plan into action to destroy Superman once and for all. This plan naturally involves a metric fuckton of kryptonite. Lex tracks Lincoln down and makes a “peace offering,” which is actually a fist full of kryptonite. Lincoln looks at the green rock, then picks it up and proceeds to beat Lex senseless with it. Guess that theory of Luthor’s wasn’t so sound after all. Round Three and the fight go to Abraham Lincoln.

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