The Tasmanian Devil versus Tommy Vercetti

They're both monsters, but one happens to look good in a suit.This battle features one fighter, the Tasmanian Devil, who is a physical monster. The other fighter, Tommy Vercetti from Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, is a psychological monster. Tommy is a vicious criminal who is among the most depraved individuals in modern society. He’s got his hands in most criminal activities, ranging from drugs to guns to prostitution. Despite having the potential to live in luxury, though, he’s such a sociopath that he’s always getting his hands dirty by going for the up close and personal kill. Taz just wants to feed his insatiable appetite. Tommy wants to kill everything that moves.

Round One:
The Tasmanian Devil has devoured all possible food sources in Tasmania, and now has to migrate elsewhere to find food. He winds up in Vice City, the city of bad 80s music, worse suits, and ever worse drugs. Upon first arriving in Vice City, Taz is uncharacteristically prudent. Even to a crazed creature like the Tasmanian Devil, Vice City is a strange and dangerous environment. Thus, for once in his life, Taz is a model, well-behaved citizen. Unfortunately, while wandering through the confusing streets of the city, he accidentally bumps into a police officer. Just knocking the cop down gives Taz an immediate 1 star on the criminal rating scale. The cop tries to haul Taz in by punching the furry creature out. Taz responds by getting angry and eating the police officer. Killing the cop gives him a 2nd star on the scale, which means that every police officer in Vice City is now actively trying to kill him. One thing leads to another, and eventually Taz has 6 stars and is being hounded by the National Guard. Round One goes to Tommy Vercetti for staying out of trouble for a change and not getting involved in Taz’s criminal activities.

Round Two:
With Taz on the loose, Vice City becomes a war zone. Most of the citizens are used to that kind of environment. One man takes exception to it. Tommy Vercetti, who has spent several hours of gameplay years of his life to forge a criminal empire, is not about to let an endangered species, no matter how psychotic and amusing, destroy his city. Tommy decides, as usual, to go with the personal touch in this case and gun down Taz himself. He arms himself with a variety of weapons, ranging from a chainsaw to an AK-47. Then he hops into a sports car and heads downtown to take care of business. Upon seeing Taz, he opts for the easy kill and just tries to run the creature down. But Taz is one of the fastest and most unpredictable creatures alive. Moving like a living hurricane, he zigs and zags so much that Tommy can’t get a good head-on roadkill shot. Taz’s maneuvers eventually cause Tommy to take a wrong move and careen off an overpass, landing roof-first on the road below. Then, due to the design flaw that every manufacturer of any vehicle in a Grand Theft Auto game fails to fix, the car explodes once it’s flipped over. Tommy is caught in the horrible fireball, which sort of ruins his plan to make a quick example of the Tasmanian Devil. Round Two goes to the Tasmanian Devil.

Round Three:
Tommy comes to at the hospital, having respawned and lost all of his weapons and body armor in the process. He doesn’t care. Dealing with the Tasmanian Devil before was business. Now Tommy’s pissed off, so he’s going to make Taz suffer first. Tommy gets himself only a single weapon – a rusty bowie knife. Then he goes hunting for the Tasmanian Devil, planning on making that bastard pay. But he doesn’t; the Tasmanian Devil bites him in half and then devours the pieces. What did Tommy expect against someone who is capable of swallowing a rhinoceros whole? Maybe he was dipping a little too heavily into his drugs or something, because he really should have come up with a better plan than chasing after a crazed predator with nothing but a dull knife. At least try to resurrect Steve Irwin or something to take the bastard down. Round Three and the fight go to the Tasmanian Devil.

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One Response to “The Tasmanian Devil versus Tommy Vercetti”

  1. Again this sucks balls

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