The Tasmanian Devil versus the Oompa Loompas

That's a lot of potential food for Taz.The Tasmanian Devil qualifies for this section for besting Animal back in the day. He’s a cartoon icon who eats anything and everything, much like the real-life species he’s based on. He’ll be facing off against an entire army in this one, as Willy Wonka’s Oompa Loompas take him on. The Oompa Loompas have previously defeated the Munchkins. Can they stop the Tasmanian Devil, or will Taz turn this fight into a slaughter of epic proportions?

Round One:
The Oompa Loompas have finally cast off the shackles of servitude toward Willie Wonka. In a bloody but glorious revolution, the proletariat-class Oompas overthrew their evil bourgeoise overlord, Mr. Wonka. Unfortunately, as is the result following many communist revolutions, the Oompa Loompas are now starving to death, since COMMUNISM DOES NOT WORK IN THE REAL WORLD. (I put that in all caps in hopes of getting the point across to certain idiot college students who think the ideals they dream up in a pot-induced haze will somehow become reality. Naturally, they’ll all ignore me and resume their games of ultimate frisbee and protests for the legalization of hemp. GET A JOB, YOU FRIGGIN’ HIPPIES! See, they won’t listen to that, either.)

Seeing as times are tough in the Wonka factory, what with Willie Wonka’s corpse attracting flies and thousands of Oompa Loompas dying of chocolate poisoning, several of the orange-skinned creatures depart for a new land and a new lifestyle. They travel to Tasmania, because for some reason places that have large quantities of poisonous animals actually attract tourists rather than repel them. The Tasmanian Devil sees the midget-like critters walking en masse across the landscape of his native home and decides to go into a feeding frenzy. Unfortunately for Taz, the Oompa Loompas are prepared for wild animal attacks. You don’t go through a horriffically bloody revolution without keeping some guns and explosives. When the Oompa Loompas see the Tasmanian Devil approaching in his cyclone-like frenzy, they pull out their firearms, assume defensive positions, and let their attacker eat lead. Taz does in fact eat many of the bullets that fly his way. Several others pierce his hide, and those things sting like hell. Even the mighty Tasmanian Devil is forced to retreat from the Oompa Loompa onslaught. Round One goes to the Oompa Loompas.

Round Two:
Wounded in both body and pride, Taz is forced to try a different tactice. While the Oompa Loompa horde marches through Tasmania devouring everything in its path like a group of ravenous orange piranhas, Taz goes underground – literally. He digs his way beneath the surface of the earth and heads toward the orange-skinned devils that have invaded his homeland. Finally, he emerges in a spinning fury right in their midst. It’s a dangerous tactic that puts everything on the line. If Taz can’t overwhelm the Oompa Loompas, they will certainly destroy him before he can make it back underground. Fortunately, he gets the initial advantage of surprise, and several Oompa Loompas die before they even know what hit them. Chunks of orange and green guts fly everywhere while cries of alarm surge through the Oompa Loompa ranks. Round Two goes to the Tasmanian Devil.

Round Three:
The fight quickly devolves into a frenzied battle as the Oompa Loompas respond to Taz’s attack. Neither side asks for quarter, as none would be given anyway. The Tasmanian Devil fights so furiously that he ends up triggering a blood fury in the oompaloompas as well. Luckily for Taz but unfortunately for the Oompa Loompas, the Tasmanian Devil is but one person, while the Oompas are a horde that can get in their own way. As the Oompa Loompas descend into a berserker fury, they begin turning on one another. The sound of Oompa fighting loompa fills the Tasmanian skies. Dozens of Oompa Loompas give blood-curdling screams as they falls to the fangs of their own kin, devoured flesh, bone, and soul. By the time the battle is over, more oompaloompas have fallen to their own kind than to the Tasmanian Devil. Ultimately, though, Taz is the last creature standing. He staggers forward and falls unconscious. The only difference is that he’ll be getting up and walking away from the field of battle in a few hours, while the Oompa Loompas are dead to the last man. Somewhere in Hell, the ghost of Willie Wonka cackles maniacally. Round Three and the fight go to the Tasmanian Devil.

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