The Incredible Hulk versus Darth Vader 2

Will the Hulk make it to retirement?By my count, this is the tenth time the Incredible Hulk has appeared in this section. If he manages to win this battle, he will have won seven fights, which will tie the number of wins Bruce Campbell had before retiring (minus the Biggest Damned Fight Ever). And, while the Hulk isn’t undefeated like Bruce Campbell was, maybe it’s time for old Greenskin to pack it in – even he gets sick of smashing once in a while. And who am I to begrudge the green guy a peaceful retirement? To make it there, though, he has to deal with one more contender: the very first person that beat him, Darth Vader. Vader himself has appeared on this page a number of times, and will be looking to regain the championship after having it stripped from him by Christopher Walken.

Round One:
Duringthe Marvel Comics event World War Hulk, it became apparent that the Hulk is living up to his reputation as the World Breaker. In just the first month, he beat the tar out of the X-Men, wrecked up New York City, beaten Black Bolt to a pulp, and crushed Iron Man like a tin can. All this destruction has drawn the attention of Darth Vader, who now sees the Hulk as a prime candidate for apprenticeship to the Dark Side. After all, one of the prerequisites to reaching the Dark Side is anger, and the Hulk is pretty much the angriest one there is.

Vader sets out to turn the Hulk to his side. He sends a message to the Hulk’s companions and sets up a one on one meeting with the Eye of Anger himself. When Vader and the Hulk are alone, Vader extends the offer of teaching the Hulk the way of a Dark Jedi. It’s a tempting offer, and one that would magnify the Hulk’s powers tenfold. However, since the Hulk is the Hulk, he decides he doesn’t need the help of any puny humans, and tells Vader to go take a hike. Vader knew that would be a possibility, so he accepts it and begins leaving for home. Before he goes, though, he has one more thing to say to the Hulk. It basically boils down to, “Suck space, fool.” Using the Force, Vader effortlessly tosses the Hulk into deep space, leaving the green behemoth to die. Round One goes to Darth Vader.

Round Two:
Vader tried the whole let’s shoot the Hulk into space bit in their first fight, and it didn’t work then. It definitely won’t work now that the comics I’ve read have established that the Hulk can survive in the vacuum of space indefinitely. The Hulk goes hurtling off toward the sun, but just gets angrier and angrier as he sails through space. Eventually, he lands on a large asteroid. Then he leaps off and heads back in Vader’s direction. Powered by that bit of pseudo-science, he goes hurtling toward Vader, who’s wondering what’s on TV about now. Vader senses the Hulk’s approach just in time, and manages to pull of his light saber and dodge aside just as the Hulk lands. Vader cuts into the Hulk with the light saber, but the Hulk heals the wounds almost before they are dealt. Finally, despite Vader’s agility, the Hulk manages to hit him with a glancing blow, knocking off part of his helmet and sending him half-conscious to the ground. Round Two goes to the Hulk.

Round Three:
Seeing the circuitry and wires underneath Vader’s helmet, the Hulk gives a growl and prepares to finish Darth Vader off.

“You’re a robot…I hate robots.”

“No, no, I’m not a robot,” says Vader. “I’m a cyborg. Most of my body has been replaced by machinery, but I’m still human. So if you kill me, your journey to the Dark Side will be complete, and I’ll have won anyway.”

The Hulk thinks this over, and then comes up with a plan. “Okay, that seems fair. I won’t kill you, because that would just be cruel.” However, since Vader is still mostly a robot, the Hulk does have some anger to vent. So he disassembles Vader and tears the robotic parts of him to shreds, leaving the human portion of his body untouched and on enough life support to get by. Then he leaves to scatter the parts of Vader’s body across the vastness of space. With a sigh of resignation, Vader starts using his Force powers to gather up the pieces of his shattered body. Unfortunately, he doesn’t have the instruction manual from Radio Shack that came with all those cybernetic parts, so it’s going to be quite a while before he is up and running again. Round Three and the fight go to the Hulk, who heads into retirement until he gets angry enough to fight again.


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