Conan the Barbarian versus James Bond

Old or new, they're both into hedonism and violence.Conan and James Bond may come from different worlds, but they are truly kindred spirits. They both enjoy the simple things in life, like fine liquor, fast cars (or in Conan’s case, horses), promiscuous women, and lots and lots of cold-blooded murder. Now these two get a fight all to their own where they can shoot, stab, and debaucherize across the globe. And along the way, one of them will probably kill the other. You know how boys are.

Round One:
It seems that I hadn’t thought ahead far enough to figure out why a medieval barbarian and an ultra-modern British secret agent would be in the same place at the same time. Fortunately, whenever stuff like this happens, I can always rely on something like…the Time Tunnel!!!

Time Tunnel to the rescue!
Time Tunnel to the rescue!

What, I’m the only one who used to watch this show when it was on the Sci-Fi Channel? Well screw all y’all!

Anyway, some arch-nemesis of 007 tries to dispose of the secret agent by luring him into the time tunnel and then destroying the gateway to the present. Meanwhile, in another dimension, some evil sorcerer casts a spell to banish Conan from his home world. The result is that James Bond and Conan are trapped in the spinning spiral of the time tunnel, with the only way for one of them to return home being to destroy the other. Being somewhat good-hearted individuals, Bond and Conan instead decide to work together. However, their alliance eventually collapses as they realize the truly dire situation they are in. Bond has gone a whole 15 minutes without a vodka martini, shaken not stirred. Conan hasn’t been able to waste his gold in a tavern for almost an hour. Neither of them has had any sex for almost the whole day. The pressure eventually gets too much for them, and they snap and try to kill each other. Crazed from their lack of lecherous pleasures, Bond and Conan forget about their weapons and try to kill each other with their bare hands. In this case, Conan gains the immediate upper hand. Even the buffest of Bond actors is nothing compared to the barbarian, and Conan manages to overpower Bond and strangle him. Round One goes to Conan the Barbarian.

Round Two:
With his enemy defeated, the sorcerer’s magic begins to wear off and Conan returns to his own world of Hyboria. (I realize that the Time Tunnel doesn’t normally allow travel across different dimensions, but there’s magic involved, too, so there.) As soon as Conan emerges from the tunnel, however, Bond springs back up. It turns out he was just playing possum in an attempt to get Conan to let his guard down. Bond jumps to his feet and draws his gun before Conan realizes that he’s been duped. He then shoots Conan in the back. Not terribly sporting, but Bond’s license to kill also gives him a license to fight unfairly. Round Two goes to James Bond.

Round Three:
Injured but not dead, Conan responds with an attack of his own. Drawing his sword, he cuts Bond’s Walther PPK in half with a single stroke. Bloodied and enraged, the barbarian then closes in for the kill. Bond puts up his hands, deciding to talk things out rather than risk decapitation.

“Wait wait wait…don’t you want to lure me into some elaborate death trap and then reveal your plans in a long exposition that will provide me with plenty of time to escape?”

Conan pauses, confused. “What? Why in the world would I do that? I’m not stupid.”

“Damn,” mutters Bond. Still, the pause gives him time to backpedal out of Conan’s immediate striking range. He then relies on his backup weapon: a pair of cufflinks given to him by Q that shoots poison darts. The dart hits Conan in the neck but has no immediate effect, so Bond takes off running. Conan follows, but the poison finally gets to him halfway through the chase scene, causing him to finally collapse. Just to make sure the problem is taken care of, Bond uses Conan’s sword to impale the barbarian several dozen times.

From there, it’s a matter of Bond trying to figure out how he can return to his own dimension. That pursuit lasts up until the time he wanders into a tavern to get a drink and some women. Seeing that the women of Hyboria seem to think that chain mail bikinis are appropriate attire, and realizing that he is now in a time before sexual harrassment, Bond decides that he’ll stick around for a little while. He grabs a couple of Hyborian women and shows them his Double-Oh face.

What…no rimshot for that hideous joke? Screw it. I’m packing up my crappy humor and my obscure television references and going home. I guess I should finish the fight out first, though…Round Three and the fight go to James Bond.

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