Bert versus Ernie 2

A Muppet rematch.This rivalry goes back a ways. In the days before there was a contest of champions, Ernie finally rose up and defeated Bert, who had oppressed him for years. Sure, they seem like the best of buddies on Sesame Street, but that’s only a fairy tale facade hiding the ugly truth. In that battle, Bert disappeared into the sewers. Since then, he had honed his skills and plotted revenge against his fuzzy orange foe. Now he emerges to reforge his oppressive reign over that place called Sesame Street, and only Ernie can stop him.

Round One:
It’s a sunny day. The gentle wind is sweeping the clouds away. Ernie is on his way to where everything is a-okay. He doesn’t need someone to tell him how to get to Sesame Street; he lives there. After stopping to get some groceries, he heads back home, only to find that Sesame Street is no longer a-okay.

Ernie drops his bag of groceries to find that Sesame Street lies in ruins. The road is filled with shattered vehicles. Buildings have crumbled. A whirlwind of looting fills the once-friendly neighborhood. Men feed on men. In the span of a few hours, the place has gone from being a muppet utopia to a post-apocalyptic nightmare. There is only one explanation: Bert.

Right on cue, Bert emerges from beneath a manhole cover, cackling in maniacal glee. When Ernie last saw him, he was dragged away by sewer rats and presumedly killed. Those rats left Bert to die in the darkest part of the sewers, but he didn’t die. Like all truly evil beings, he grew in power. He forged an alliance with sewer-dwelling mutants, and quickly became their leader. Now he leads that army on Sesame Street, determined to defeat Ernie once and for all. To break Ernie’s resolve, Bert has his sewer monsters display his most recent trophies: the decapitated heads of Big Bird, Cookie Monster, and Elmo. His innocent mind overloaded with these gruesome images, Ernie breaks down and starts crying. Bert’s sewer mutants seize the muppet and throw him into a cage. Bert cackles in glee, and decides that he’s going to have a barbeque…with Ernie as the main course. Round One goes to Bert.

Round Two:
Prison toughens people up. It can really do wonders for you when you’re a soft, meek, orange-skinned fellow who is being held hostage by an abusive psychopath who has developed a taste for cannibalism. Ernie learns that he needs to make friends and contacts on the inside. The most important friend he makes is Mr. Snufleupagus, who is currently next in line to get his head put on a pike. With big Bird gone, Snufleupagus has lost his will to live. But Ernie befriends the giant furry animal, and shows him that there is always a reason to live. It would really be a touching moment if it wasn’t for the primal screams and bomb blasts coming from Bert’s brave new world on the outside. Ultimately, Bert decides it’s time to serve Ernie up. Since Bert has no teeth, Ernie will have to be mashed into a fine paste and drunk through a straw. Bert’s goons show up with a sledgehammer and a giant blender to begin the grisly work, Much to their surprise, Ernie and Snufleupagus ambush the thugs, defeating them. Then Ernie climbs onto Sunfleupagus’s back, and the two rampage through dystopian Sesame Street. Imagine the oliphants in the Lord of the Rings movies, only big and furry and without prissy little Orlando Bloom running around on top of them. That’s the sheer terror that Bert’s men have to face. Those who don’t flee and trampled. Round Two goes to Ernie.

Round Three:
When Ernie gets near Bert, he dismounts and let Snufleupagus take on the remaining goons. Bert rises from his throne of skulls to do battle with his foe. They choose the only venue appropriate for such a heated battle: the middle of a mine field. Why a mine field? Because this fight is brought to you by the letter M. As in mine, mayhem, and murder. Also mommy, which is what Bert ends up screaming when he realizes that his skinny arms aren’t much good against his stocky orange foe. Ernie picks Bert up and tosses him into the land mines. This fight is also brought to you by the number 237,863, which happens to be the number of pieces Bert is blown into. Round Three and the fight go to Ernie, again.

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