My rant on Ant-Man started me thinking…who is the most pathetic superhero of all time? It really boils down to only two candidates..Ant-Man, whose powers include changing his size and beating his wife, or Aquaman, whose powers include talking to fish and swimming really quickly. Admittedly, Aquaman did have a period of badassedness where he grew a beard and had a hook for his hand, but that period might get canceled out by the fact that he’s been around for longer than Ant-Man, giving him more time to suck. He also had a hideous mullet during the 90s. Had it not been for MacGuyver and Solid Snake, I might have launched a crusade against that entire style of hair on general principle.
Ant-Man and Aquaman have both been captured by Hank Pym’s latest superintelligent evil robot. Bound and tossed into a dungeon where they will be consumed later by the bloodthirsty robot, they have limited time to escape. As he dehydrates at a rapid rate, Aquaman calls to his ocean friends in desperation, which only serves to drive dozens of fish to their deaths as they try and fail to survive on dry land. Meanwhile, Ant-Man proves slightly more useful by calling a swarm of ants to eat through the superheroes’ bonds. Once the pair are free, Ant-Man takes a moment to gloat about what a great superhero he is, since his plan worked and Aquaman’s didn’t. Consumed by pangs of jealousy, Aquaman decks Ant-Man in the face, knocking him through a wall. Round One goes to Aquaman.
Using the hole Ant-Man’s body opened up in the prison wall, Aquaman escapes to freedom. Ant-Man isn’t dead, though, and is now determined to teach the orange-clad superhero a lesson. He challenges Aquaman to a battle, and then immediately shrinks down to ant size. Aquaman, too foolish to realize that an ant-sized foe poses absolutely no threat to him, tries vainly to swat the small and mobile Ant-Man as he scurries up his arms and legs, and only ends up decking himself repeatedly. Finally, Ant-Man crawls right between Aquaman’s eyes. Aquaman gives one more desperate swat at the annoying superhero, this time catching Ant-Man before he can jump away. Ant-Man is nearly crippled by the blow, but the force also knocks Aquaman unconscious. The two superheroes are left lying alone, helpless, and pathetic, as usual. Round Two is a draw.
While Hank Pym tries to regain the use of his arms and legs, Aquaman regains consciousness and staggers toward the nearest body of water, narrowly avoiding a certain death on dry land. Unwilling to be thwarted, Ant-Man manages to crawl back to his lab and return to normal size, where he begins building a swarm of aquatic carnivorous robots that he will unleash on Aquaman, thus exacting his revenge. He even dares to cackle the patented mad scientist laugh.
Within a matter of days, the army of death-bots has been created. Ant-Man orders them to march against Aquaman. Unfortunately, like every other robot Hank has ever invented, these death-bots turn against him, tearing the puny human limb from limb and devouring his flesh. They then go on to try to conquer the world and end up getting thwarted by the Avengers. Nonetheless, Ant-Man goes down as one of history’s most monstrous (yet pathetic) individuals. Meanwhile, Aquaman is busy having sex with fish or something. Round Three goes to Aquaman for not getting torn apart by evil robots. Ant-Man loses the fight, but wins the title of most pathetic superhero of all time.