Agent 47 versus Max Payne

Time for some more dueling video game franchises.Agent 47 is the bald, cold-hearted cloned killer from the Hitman series. Max Payne is the hard-boiled noir action hero from the Max Payne series. Both of these poor guys have something in common in that their excellent video game franchises got hit with the Hollywood studio machine and turned into crappy video game movies. Now they get to take out their bitterness on each other.

Round One:
The opening of this fight finds Max Payne in a bar drinking is troubles away. On top of the lousy movie starring Markie Mark, he’s also recently seen screenshots of the upcoming Max Payne 3, which look nothing but depressing. While he’s downing enough alcohol that somebody could light the vapors from his breath on fire, in walks Agent 47. He’s looking a little down, too, with his suit wrinkled and a bit of a five o’clock shadow on his face. He pulls up a seat next to Max and the two start trading stories about how bad off they are.

“Timothy Olyphant. Did you see that guy? He looks like a college student cosplaying as me.”

“Well, at leasht *hic* you din’t have Markey Mark playin’ youse.”

“Mark Wahlberg has been in some fine movies. And at least you still have another game coming out. My franchise is stuck somewhere in limbo.”

“Oh, don’ even get me shtarted and dat game…”

“Here, let me buy us another round.”

47 lays down some cash for the next round of drinks, along with a hefty tip. Max doesn’t ask where the Hitman got the money from; he just downs the sweet, sweet bourbon. But wait…bourbon doesn’t taste that sweet…

Max realizes only too late that 47 didn’t partake of the spirits himself, merely letting the liquid touch his lips. He chokes on the poison that the bartender slipped in at 47’s request and falls over, hitting the floor. Round One goes to Agent 47.

Round Two:
With his job done, Mr. 47 gets up and heads out the door. However, it takes a lot more than poisoning to kill Max Payne. The guy took a dose of the equivalent of super-heroin in his first game and kept coming. After vomiting up the poison and traipsing through his tortured psyche for a while, he comes to and gets his guns. He loads up ten thousand bullets with Mr. 47’s name on them and goes hunting. Then it becomes a game of subtlety versus firepower. 47 has already left the country and is on his way to take out some scumbag in Shanghai. Max doesn’t feel like waiting for him to come back, so he just starts gunning his way through the agency, taking out hired killers left and right in his everlasting quest for vengeance. Before she gets gunned down, 47’s contact Diana does tip the hitman off as to what’s going on, but 47 has no other choice than to lay low while Max turns the entire Agency into chunky salsa. Round Two goes to Max Payne.

Round Three:
With no one else between him and Max Payne, 47 finally chooses to confront his foe. He sends Max a message to meet him in Hollywood. Max arrives early to make sure that 47 hasn’t planted any bombs and that he’s not lurking in a bell tower with a sniper rifle. He’s not. In fact, 47 is standing out in the open with nothing but his silver ballers. Max walks up to 47, and the two stare each other down. The staredown is broken up when somebody taps Max on the shoulder. Max turns partway, making sure not to take his eyes off of 47. Much to his surprise, the man interrupting is none other than John Moore, director of the Max Payne movie.

“Excuse me, but Mr. 47 informed me that you’re a big fan of my work.”

Seeing John Moore in front of him causes Max to snap. He pistol whips the poor director and starts screaming obscenities. Mr. Moore is only saved by the fact that the distraction gives 47 ample time to line up a shot and fire both of his silver ballers into Max’s skull. Once Max hits the ground, 47 empties both clips into him, just in case. Screw the Silent Assassin rating – he wants to make sure Max won’t come after him again. Round Three and the fight go to Agent 47.


One Response to “Agent 47 versus Max Payne”

  1. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Steve Orlando, Charlie Brooks. Charlie Brooks said: Screamsheet update – Agent 47 versus Max Payne […]

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