Wonder Woman versus Samus Aran

Two ass-kicking ladies.The iconic DC Comics superheroine, Wonder Woman is a lot like Superman, except that as one of the legendary Greek amazons, she has no compunctions about flipping out and killing people if necessary. She’s also way more into bondage than her cape-wearing male counterpart. Samus Aran is somebody who I’ve used before, but her original fight with Iron Man somehow fell of the page months ago and has never returned. It’s a pair of warrior women going at it. I’ll try to bite my tongue and avoid lesbian mud-fighting jokes, but no promises.

Round One:
I seem to remember that Samus Aran is actually a bounty hunter. I’m not sure why the Metroid series constantly refers to her as such, since I don’t think she ever actually collects a bounty. However, now’s her time to actually strut her stuff, as someone has put a bounty out on Wonder Woman. It doesn’t matter who – it just matters that Samus is planning on collecting. So she rockets down to Paradise Island, where Wonder Woman is enjoying some R&R. Never one for stealth and subterfuge (except for that awesome level in Metroid: Zero Mission where space pirates steal her suit), Samus takes the direct approach, blasting away with lasers and missiles. With reflexes as quick as lightning, Wonder Woman sense the impending attack and deflects each blast with her magical bracelets. In frustration, Samus turns to using her freeze ray, which will trap Wonder Woman in a block of ice on contact. Surprisingly, Wonder Woman deflects that ray as well, despite the fact that it’s not solid in any form.

“There’s no way that should be able to happen,” muses Samus.

Channeling her best impression of Joe Quesada after a particularly bad case of the stupids, Wonder Woman deadpans, “It’s magic…I don’t have to explain it!” Round One goes to Wonder Woman.

Round Two:
Seemingly unable to harm Wonder Woman in any way, Samus tries to grab those magic bracelets, thus removing the scantily-clad princess’s only defense. In her big bulky power armor suit, though, Samus is much slower than the athletic flying superhero. Wonder Woman arches gracefully opver Samus’s head, does a pirouette in the air, and then decks the bounty hunter. While Samus is recovering from a blow that could have shattered a tank, Wonder Woman whips out her golden lasso and snares the bounty hunter. Cackling with glee, she reels her prey in. Round Two goes to Wonder Woman.

Round Three:
With Samus nicely ensnared, Wonder Woman gets down to business. She pulls out scented massage oils and turns on a boombox playing some Barry White. Then she starts putting the moves on Samus, to which the bounty hunter gives a startled cry of…

“What the hell are you doing?!”

Wonder Woman blinks in surprise. “I…figured this was all part of some bondage fantasy.”

“No! Hell no!”

Heartbroken, Wonder Woman manages an, “Oh.” Then she lets Samus free and walks away, dejected. It turns out when your original purpose for existing was to fulfill William Moulton Marston’s bizarre sexual fetishes, old habits die hard. Wonder Woman goes home, alone, and Samus is spared from whatever kinkiness was about to ensue. Round Three and the fight go to Samus Aran, who didn’t get the bounty, but at least avoided the broken heart that Wonder Woman suffered.

Also, Samus nukes Paradise Island from orbit on her way back into space. Because I’ll be damned if I’m going to finish this fight on an emotional note rather than a flash of nuclear fire.

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