He-Man is a simple man with a magical sword that allows him to transform into the strongest man in existence. He also has a green striped panther that he rides into battle. His look is largely stolen from Conan the Barbarian, a character created by Ron E. Howard. Conan has three modes: kill, have sex, and loot. He’s none too happy about He-Man stealing his look, and is hoping to get into kill mode for this fight, followed by some looting. Having sex with He-Man is probably not on top of Conan’s list of priorities, but I could be wrong.
As usual, Conan has spent all of his money on ale and wenches. As a result, he now needs to get himself some more gold. The best way to do that is to fall back on his old pasttime of killing things and taking their stuff. Orko He wanders the land, and by power of plot device winds up in the land of Eternia, where he stumbles across a strange flying creature in a pointy red hat. The creature is Orko, one of He-Man’s closest friends. Conan decides that Orko is obviously some sort of demon, and therefore must have a pile of gold lying around somewhere, so he kills the little bugger. Unfortunately, Orko does not have any actual treasure on him. All Conan receives for running his sword through the creature is the muted cheers of thousands of people who suffered through his antics on a weekly basis in the 80s. Oh, and He-Man’s wrath. The latter one is more important, because He-Man shows up in quick order and punches Conan so hard that the barbarian flies about 100 yards away. Round One goes to He-Man.
Conan finds himself facing a mighty opponent indeed. However, he notices one key weakness in He-Man’s tactics. While the strongest man in the world happens to have a huge sword strapped to his back, he very rarely uses it with the lethal force that it is intended to have. Instead, He-Man follows the traditions of Saturday morning cartoon violence, where blood is not meant to be shed and enemies all survive to fight incompetently another day. Conan, on the other hand, comes from a time when swords were meant to kill, wenches were meant to be busty, and ale was there to drink both joys and sorrows away. When he’s not nursing a hangover, he’s got a shrewd tactical mind, and quickly figures out the best way to neutralize He-Man’s strength: by cutting his arms and legs off. With four masterful blows, Conan performs some improv amputations on his foe, reducing He-Man to the strongest torso in the world. Round Two goes to Conan.
He-Torso quickly goes into shock due to blood loss. Conan drags his foe to the nearest hillside and then pauses to rub his chin in thought. He seems to be considering some sort of deep moral dilemma for quite some time. Then a light goes on behind his eyes, and he comes to a decision. He pulls his foot back and kicks He-Man down the hill.
As the bloody carcass of his foe tumbles down the hillside, Conan grins like a kid at a carnival. Yeah…that was totally worth it. Round Three and the fight go to Conan.