Superman versus Lex Luthor

The two cheesiest incarnations of the characters.What? Superman’s already dead, you say? Well, then allow me to bring him back to life. Blah blah blah yellow solar radiation blah blah blah kryptonian physiology blah blah. There. Now he’s alive again and ready for his next fight. He’s had some pretty hideous luck taking on people from outside the DC Universe, so this time we’ll give him a chance to strut his stuff against his arch rival, Lex Luthor. It will be just like reading an actual comic book…if the comic was entirely in prose format and was written by a psychotic monkey who was addicted to crystal meth.

Round One:
Lex Luthor has failed to kill Superman 38,726 times. But this time, he’s feeling lucky. He decides to forego the whole dastardly plot that will put the world in danger and go the direct route for a change. He takes his ample supply of kryptonite, which all millionaires seem to have lying around somewhere, and has it put into bullet form. The he loads it into a gun and heads off to just shoot Superman down. Kryptonite bullets…why didn’t he think of that before? (For the sake of this fight, let’s just conveniently ignore the times he actually thought of that before.)

Superman’s easy enough to find. You just follow the Jon Williams theme music around Metropolis until you run into him. And as soon as he comes into Lex’s sights, the villain unloads with his gun. Unfortunately for Lex, Superman hears the gun go off and dodges the bullets before they reach their target.

“Oh yeah…” mutters Lex. “Super hearing and reflexes. I guess I forgot about those.” If Superman himself can’t remember his entire laundry list of powers, how can Lex Luthor be expected to keep track of the damned things?

Superman flies in to pummel the crap out of Lex Luthor. Round One goes to Superman.

Round Two:
Supes is looking mighty confident, seeing as how Lex has no superpowers whatsoever. In fact, it seems that even Luthor’s mighty intellect has failed him this time around. Superman clenches his fist and prepares to teach the bad guy a lesson yet again. Then, suddenly, he stumbles and falls down at Lex’s feet. He feels overcome by weakness, and uses the last flickering remnants of his x-ray vision to discover that there is still another kryptonite bullet in that gun of Lex’s.

“Always leave one in the chamber,” says Lex, proud that he watched a bunch of Chow Yun Fat movies last night.

Luthor pulls the hammer back and prepares to take Superman out at close range. In desperation, the weakening Man of Steel leaps for the gun and manages to wrest it from Lex’s grasp. Luthor isn’t about to have himself bested by his old foe, though, and a struggle breaks out. In the middle of it, the gun goes off. Lex staggers backward, bleeding from the chest. Then he collapses, dead from a bullet to the heart. Round Two goes to Superman.

Round Three:
Shaken by his accidental killing of his old foe, Superman retreats to the Fortress of Solitude for months. When he finally gets over his angst and returns to Metropolis, he finds the city in a state of urban decay. Apparently, Luthor’s will left specific instructions that LexCorp be systematically dismantled upon his death. Without the corporation to provide funding and trade with a number of local businesses, Metropolis is falling apart. What’s more, children from third world countries around the globe are starving to death in record numbers, because they no longer have the money provided by LexCorp’s annual multi-billion dollar donations (which Lex always claimed as a tax write off). Superman realizes that he’s actually caused more death and suffering than Lex ever could have. Wracked by guilt, he goes off and flies into a red sun, killing himself for the umpteenth time.

Somewhere in the bowels of Hell, Lex Luthor smiles and collects on a bet he made with Satan. “I told you I’d get him eventually,” he says. Round Three and the fight both go posthumously to Lex Luthor.

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