Bugs Bunny versus the Trix Rabbit

Battle of the cartoon bunnies.We have two newcomers to the page in this fight. In one corner is Bugs Bunny, arguably one of the greatest cartoon characters of all time. He’s a fast-talking Brooklyn-born rabbit with a love for carrots and a tendency to cross-dress when it suits his needs. In the other corner is the Trix Rabbit, who um…really likes Trix cereal. I don’t know how he got a taste for the cereal, since he never gets to eat it. Maybe Trix represents some sort of forbidden fruit to him. Or maybe the cereal is coated with crack. I think I’m going to run with the crack addict angle.

Round One:
Having proven himself completely incapable of duping children out of their cereal, the Trix rabbit decides to go after a new target. He figures he’ll get some sympathy from a fellow rabbit, and goes to Bugs Bunny for help. Bugs happens to be eating a bowl of Trix cereal himself, but does not plan on sharing any with his fellow rabbit.

“Sorry Doc, Trix are for kids.”

“B-but…you’re seventy years old,” stammers the shocked Trix rabbit.

“Yep…which means I’m in my second childhood. Now scram!” Bugs hands the Trix rabbit an old-fashioned ACME bomb, and then retreats into his rabbit hole while Trixie gets a face full of explosion. Round One goes to Bugs Bunny.

Round Two:
Being a cartoon character, the Trix rabbit can’t be killed by a bomb. He can, however, be pissed off. But he’s nothing if not tenacious, and he’s not about to give up. He breaks out one of his disguises, and dresses up as a woman in hopes of seducing Bugs and then taking the cereal. Bugs Bunny has spent most of his cartoon career dressing in drag, so he sees right through the Trix mascot’s disguise. However, the amount of time he’s spent in drag also suggests that he swings both ways, or is at the very least pretty homoflexible. So he plays along with the Trix rabbit’s disguise, making the white bunny pretty damned uncomfortable and leaving the question to you readers whether I’m going to write a fight where America’s most beloved cartoon icon sodomizes somebody. I’m not going to go that far…this time. Bugs plays the sketchy old man well enough to scare the bujeezus out of the Trix rabbit. Trixie freaks out and goes running for the hills, and Bugs goes back to his balanced breakfast. Round Two goes to Bugs Bunny.

Round Three:
The Trix rabbit is done playing these games. He gets a shotgun and goes a-huntin’ for a wabbit. Anyone who has seen Elmer Fudd’s many misfortunes, though, realizes that Bugs isn’t going to be brought down by any sort of hunter. Bugs gives the Trix rabbit a merry old run-around, and then ties a knot in the barrel of his shotgun just before he fires. The backblast hurts the Trix rabbit, but not as much as the withdrawal symptoms that are now kicking in. The rabbit simply can’t live without Trix cereal – specifically, the crystal meth that covers every fruit-flavored flake. He curls up into a ball and breaks out in a cold sweat, twitching and mumbling to himself on the forest floor. The pitiful scene is just enough to tug at Bugs Bunny’s heart strings, and he decides to give the Trix rabbit some cereal. Unfortunately, the cereal has gone soggy sitting in milk all fight long, and is thus nothing but tasteless mush. Bugs dumps the cereal and goes back to eating carrots. The Trix rabbit is eventually found by some kids, and they escort him to rehab…where he still doesn’t get any Trix cereal. Round Three and the fight go to Bugs Bunny.

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