Agent Smith versus Elrond Half-Elven

Hugo Weaving rocks my world.Two combatants, each aptly played by Hugo Weaving in major motion pictures. Agent Smith is one of the guardians of the Matrix. Elrond Half-Elven is the lord of Rivendell, and one of the bearers of the ring of power. If you haven’t seen any of the Matrix movies or read/seen anything relating to The Lord of the Rings…well, you probably live in a cave on Mars, and thus can’t read this page anyway.

Round One:
Thanks to the actions of Mr. Anderson, Agent Smith has become just what he believes humanity to be: a virus. He travels through a system, replicating himself and using up all available resources. Then he moves on, looking for another system to infect. Through this method, he has taken over the part of the Matrix that controls Earth. (Okay, maybe that’s not really how the triology ended, but that’s certainly the way I want to remember it.) Now he needs more resources, so he begins looking for other systems to infect.

As it turns out, Earth is but one of many Matrices. Or at least, that’s the way it is for the purposes of this fight; I might choose to ret-con that in the future, and I certainly reserve the right to pretend that anything I may have said in this section is a result of an insomnia-induced stupor. Anyway, Smith moves onto another Matrix, this one containing the fictional world of J.R.R. Tolkein’s Middle Earth. He’s sick of humanity, so he takes refuge in Rivendell, and begins writing himself over on the elves there. This doesn’t go over well with Elrond, the leader of the elves of Rivendell. Elrond confronts Smith, and Smith doesn’t like the elf much, either. Elrond has the blood of humanity in him, and Smith just flat out hates humanity. So…Smith shoots Elrond. He empties a clip of his Desert Eagle into the elf, and then goes back to his reign of terror. Round One goes to Agent Smith.

Round Two:
Smith goes back to work, convinced that the fight is already over. But Elrond possesses Vilya, the mightiest of the elven rings of power. Its amazing abilities heal even bullet wounds, and Elrond is standing tall again in a matter of minutes. What’s more, he uses Vilya to purge the other elves of Smith, erasing the virus and freeing them. Reduced to one body again, Smith is vulnerable and able to die. He’s also very, very pissed, and he goes after Elrond. The elf draws a blade and meets Smith head on. Badass martial arts combine against badass swordplay as the two titans collide. Round Two goes to Elrond Half-Elven.

Round Three:
Both combatants are incredible in combat. What’s more, they share the same Aussie good looks, and would probably look hella awesome as drag queens. Sensing that the battle against this weird doppelganger is bound for a stalemate, Elrond tries to reason with his foe.

“Why do you do this, Smith? What’s your purpose?”

“Purpose?” Smith stops fighting abruptly, and removes his sunglasses. His eyes light up with a mixture of curiosity, frustration, and hopelessness. He starts breaking down into an angst-filled rant about how he has been robbed of purpose by Mr. Anderson, and how he now exists only for the sake of existing. It’s a hellish experience – a human experience.

“I know what you mean.” Elrond too seems to lack a purpose. The age of the elves is ending, and he is fading with his people. Soon he will depart into the west, and he will become nothing more than a memory. He extends a hand of friendship to Smith, and Smith takes it.

Smith also takes the ring of power, slipping it right off of Elrond’s finger. He then does his best Dark Helmet impression, telling Elrond that, “Evil will always win, because good is dumb.” (If you don’t know who Dark Helmet is, stop reading now and go watch Spaceballs.) Smith shoots Elrond to death, and the elf stays dead without the power of Vilya to help him. For one touching moment, Smith almost sheds a tear for his fallen foe, for he has just slain a kindred spirit – and a handsome one, if he does say so himself. Then he recollects himself and continues his killing spree. Round Three and the fight go to Agent Smith.

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