The Dread Pirate Roberts versus Captain Morgan

The Princess Bride and liquor: two of the finest things in life.Okay, so I dressed up like a pirate and tried to steal a stuffed bear over the weekend. Because of that, I’ve got pirates on the brain at the moment. So we’ve got the Dread Pirate Roberts, aka Westley from The Princess Bride. And we’ve got Captain Morgan, from a liquor label. Why Captain Morgan? Because there are very few cool pirates out there. And if I can’t think of any cool pirates, I might as well think of a guy who I will hallucinate talking to me while I’m trashed on 100 proof whiskey while writing this fight. Or at least that’s what would happen, if I actually drank that much.

Round One:
Captain Morgan is sailing along the seven seas when his ship is attacked by the Dread Pirate Roberts. Roberts/Westley boards the ship with his men. Captain Morgan, brave soul that he is, strides out of his cabin to meet the invaders head on. Westley and Morgan draw swords and begin dueling, while the other crew members get about either looting or fighting the robbers off, depending on what side they’re on. Westley and Morgan seem about equal in fighting skill, which is exactly what the man in black wants. He smiles, and then switches fighting hands, exclaiming the now-famous Princess Bride line, “I know something you don’t know…I am not left-handed!” Once the switch is made, the fight starts going against Morgan, until he pulls out a surprise of his own:

“I know something you don’t know…I am not sober!”

Unfortunately, sword fighting while drunk is never actually a good idea. Morgan lunges/staggers forward, and manages to cut off his own toe in his drunken stupor. Westley was actually standing several yards away. Round One goes to the Dread Pirate Roberts.

Round Two:
It’s really hard to sword fight when you’re missing a toe. Don’t ask me how I know that. Captain Morgan senses that he’s in trouble, so he shifts tactics. Rather than duel to the death, he goes to a strategy that plays more to his strengths: he challenges Westley to a drinking match. Westley agrees, and the square off at the drinking table. They down shot after shot, and Morgan goes until he’s almost blind. Westley, however, seems unaffected. Finally, Morgan asks why Westley isn’t getting drunk. Westley explains that he spent the last several years in Australia developing a resistance to most toxins, including alcohol. If Morgan was actually sober, he’d probably ask if such a thing is even possible. However, since he’s now enjoying the sweet bliss that one can only experience when large quantities of 100 proof alcohol are slowly eating away at one’s ever-shrinking supply of brain cells, he feels pity for the poor dread pirate. Never again will Westley know the joy of passing out on his side and waking up in a pool of vomit and bile in the morning. Captain Morgan tries to express these feelings as eloquently as possible, but it only comes out as, “Wfsdfnvwepo;jlfgasgfhjlwe.”

That’s right, there’s a semicolon inexplicably stuck in the middle of his word. How does one pronounce a semicolon in the middle of a word? I don’t know. All I do know is that I definitely did not just pound away at random letters on my keyboard in a lame attempt to simulate drunken ramblings.

While Westley is trying to figure out what exactly his foe said, Captain Morgan passes into the sweet, sweet realm of alcohol-induced unconsciousness. Round Two goes to the Dread Pirate Roberts.

Round Three:
This round’s pretty short. Captain Morgan is out, and his men are quickly overwhelmed by the crew of the Dread Pirate Roberts. Westley considers making the swarthy Captain Morgan his apprentice to be the next Dread Pirate Roberts, but in all the excitement he’s forgotten that Morgan cut off his toe back in the first round. Seeing as how alcohol acts as a blood thinner and a person could get wasted on a sip of the Captain’s blood alcohol content right now, the poor old man has already bled out and died. Westley tosses the corpse overboard, and a bunch of sharks get together for a really kick ass party. Round Three and the fight go to the Dread Pirate Roberts.

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