Samus Aran versus Optimus Prime

How can I choose?Let’s see…everyone should know Samus Aran by now. If you don’t go play Metroid Prime until your eyes bleed. Or check out some of the previous fights in this section. And buy my book. Don’t you dare forget to buy my book. Facing off against Samus is Optimus Prime, the leader of the Autobots who trashed the Big O. Optimus Prime has bought my book; have you?

Okay, okay. I promise that that’s the last shameless solicitation for Shadowslayers (available on Amazon kindle for only $1 – buy your copy today!) that I’ll do during this fight…maybe.

Round One:
Optimus Prime is driving along the highways, minding his own business and doing his thing as a big rig, when something darts out of his blind spot. He isn’t sure what it is, but it looks small and reddish-brown, and moves incredibly quickly. Thinking that it might be some sort of suicidal rodent, Optimus swerves to avoid it. That Optimus Prime has got a heart the size of…some big piece of engine on a tractor trailer or something. Man, my metaphors suck today. And I’m forgetting to use parentheses. I must be tired…

What? I’m still in the middle of writing a fight? Oh yeah…

Anyway, Optimus swerves to avoid hitting…whatever it was, and goes off the road. He hits a tree, and transforms into his giant robot form. As soon as he transforms, he finds himself immediately bombarded by missiles and laser fire. As anyone with enough cogency to cut through my meandering sentences might have guessed, the small figure was Samus in her morph ball form. Yeah, I know I overuse it in these fights. But I frikkin’ love that ability. Samus, being a bounty hunter, has been hired by the Decepticons to take down Optimus. Sure, she’s not actually this cold-hearted or evil, but Megatron had an honest face and she believed him that Optimus was the bad guy. I mean, who doesn’t trust a giant gray robot that is occasionally voiced by Leonard Nimoy? Round One goes to Samus Aran.

Round Two:
After recovering his senses, Optimus gets up and chases after Samus. Realizing that her guns aren’t doing much against the giant robot, she bolts and starts running. The scene becomes immediately reminiscent of the part in Jurassic Park where Grant’s jeep is being charged after by a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Only instead of a crappy jeep, it’s a chick in full power armor. And instead of a 20-foot tall dinosaur, it’s a 20+ foot tall robot with a laser cannon. And instead of getting away at a dramatically appropriate moment, Samus doesn’t outrun Optimus and gets punted about two miles away. Ouch. Round Two goes to Optimus Prime.

Round Three:
Samus lands in the desert. She’s tough, so she manages to pick herself up and dust herself off. But she’s also got to spend the next eight hours or so picking grains of sand out of her suit. Once you get that stuff in there, it never comes out. She would just tear the entire outfit off, but it happens to be surgically attached to her body. There are going to be a lot more parts that need to be surgically attached — or re-attached — once Optimus Prime finds her. It doesn’t take him long, either. When he’s got momentum and is particularly irritated not only at being attacked but also at being forced to uproot a helpless tree, not much is going to stop him. He manages to catch up to Samus while she’s still pulling sand out of her joints. He gives her another punt, but this time just kicks her straight up into the air. Then he shoots her to pieces, clay pigeon style. Round Three and the fight go to Optimus Prime. (Buy my other book!) Whoa…where did that come from? Hey! My parenthesis are back! Thank you, Optimus Prime!

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