Samus Aran versus Commando Cody

Why didn't they ever have a Radar Men from the Moon video game?Samus Aran is the space faring bounty hunter extraordinaire. Having beaten both versions of Iron Man, she has worked her way up to champion for now. Challenging her is Commando Cody, one of the prototypical Rocketeer-style heroes made famous by pulp serials in the 1950s. He’s got a jetpack. And a gun. And…that’s about it.

Round One:
Samus and Cody meet over lunch, but each fighter doesn’t immediately realize who the other is. Cody keeps a secret identity, and is thus all but unidentifiable without his bullet-shaped helmet…thing. Samus, while not keeping a secret identity, is pretty much unrecognizable outside of her power suit. That’s changing as game graphics get better and she is quickly becoming the hottest video game woman of all time, but for now she’s still not totally recognizable when she’s not blasting aliens away. The meeting begins as simple lunch conversation about 1950s society. Ah, the lovely days of duck and cover…

During the course of the conversation, Cody is stunned when he says something and Samus doesn’t immediately agree with him. Realizing that he’s dealing with one of them thar modern women, Cody quickly resorts to the 1950s way of solving the problem: he busts her lip open. Or at least, he tries. The moment he makes a fist, Samus is out of her seat. She kicks Cody in the gut, and then throws him out the window and onto the street. The fight is on. Round One goes to Samus Aran.

Round Two:
With the battle officially beginning, both combatants rush to put on their combat gear. Cody puts on his helmet, shrugs on a jet pack, and picks up his revolver. Meanwhile, Samus gets a crack team of doctors to surgically graft pieces of her power armor to her body. She then collects a half dozen different power ups, retools her armor, and finds a save room to charge everything up. During the long wait, Cody gets bored and flies to the moon, where he defeats a group of aliens that were plotting to take over the world. Upon flying back, Cody finds that Samus has finally suited up. Seeing that, Cody shoots her. Round Two goes to Commando Cody.

Round Three:
Cody shoots Samus again and again. Samus stands still and takes it, letting the feeble Earthling technology ricochet harmlessly off of her suit. When Cody hasd used up all six of his bullets and Samus is still standing, he yells a quick “Oh shit!” and flies off before the censors can even realize exactly what he said. He doesn’t make it far, though, because Samus finally makes her attack. She levels her arm cannon at Cody and fires a freeze missile. Before Cody can really get any altitude, he is frozen solid in a block of ice and falls back to earth. Cody is then captured by the FCC, who beat him mercilessly and put him on trial as a communist with a filthy mouth. Cody spends the next ten years in prison, deprived of his jet pack and bullet-shaped helmet. Samus takes her helmet off and finishes her meal. Round Three and the fight go to Samus.

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