Optimus Prime versus Triangle Man
Triangle Man, Triangle Man
Triangle Man hate Optimus Prime Man
They have a fight…
Well, we’ll see who wins.
He’s not just a triangle, he’s a transformer! Triangle Man, the hater of the universe, goes after Optimus Prime. Why? Becaus he hates him, that’s why! The other Autobots rush to Optimus Prime’s aid, shocked that anybody could hate their beloved leader. Before the fight begins, however, Optimus Prime tells the Autobots to stand down. This is his fight, and no one else’s.
The tension in the air is thick enough to cut with a knife as Optimus Prime and Triangle Man stare each other down. Somewhere in the background, someone starts to play Ennicio Morricone’s theme from The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. Then, just as the cliché is getting too overbearing, Optimus draws his huge ass gun and fires at Triangle Man. A cheer erupts from the Autobots as Triangle Man disappeares beneath the dust and smoke of the explosion. But their celebration is short-lived. As soon as the smoke clears, everyone sees that Triangle Man is standing unharmed.
“You fool,” shouts Triangle Man. “Your puny weapons can’t defeat GEOMETRY!!!” Triangle Man then leaps for the throat of a very surprised Optimus Prime. Round One goes to Triangle Man.
Triangle Man starts pummeling Optimus Prime, who is baffled at the nature of his foe. Is he a triangle? Is he a man? Or…is he both? While he’s pondering these mysteries. Triangle Man jumps on his back and starts to strangle Optimus from behind. Or at least he tries…it’s kind of hard to strangle someone who doesn’t need air.
To throw Triangle Man off, Optimus makes a few choking noises. Then he transforms into a truck, trapping Triangle Man inside the cab. Then the whupping begins. Do you have any idea what it’s like to get the crap kicked out of you by a motor vehicle – from the inside? I do. It was called my road test. I failed it by 43 freakin’ points, and I haven’t been allowed back in Newport, Vermont since. Round Two goes to the ghosts of my past.
After taking a beating from behind Optimus Prime’s steering wheel, the autobot transforms and kicks Triangle Man’s battered body to the ground. Defeated, Triangle Man tells Optimus to finish him off. But Optimus Prime is a robot with a heart of gold (the heart of gold was actually installed in 2003 along with the Autobotware 3.25 patch). He tells the Autobots to transform and roll out, leaving Triangle Man in defeat. But Triangle Man won’t have any of that. He’s never lost a fight, and he’s not about to live in shame now. He makes one last frantic leap at Optimus, trying to impale him with a deadly technique known as the Isosceles Twist. Optimus Prime is ready for the treachery, however. He spins around and slams Triangle Man to the turf. Then he whips out a protractor, a pencil, and an eraser, which he uses to modify the angles on Triangle Man’s head. When Optimus is done, Triangle Man has been transformed into Rhombus Man. And the rhombus never gets any love. Let’s face it; his career is over. Round Three and the match go to Optimus Prime.