Optimus Prime versus Godzilla

Giant monster battle! Go!The leader of the Autobots, Optimus Prime has had a good run so far. He’ll be matching up against a veteran of the Contest of Champions, the nuclear-powered monster known as Godzilla. Godzilla put together a string of victories of his own before being dropped by Indiana Jones. We’ll see how he does in his comeback attempt, or if the upstart Optimus Prime can continue to hold onto the championship.

Round One:
Godzilla and giant robots are natural enemies, so it was only a matter of time before the King of Monsters decided to hunt down Optimus Prime. While taking a vacation in Japan, Optimus gets jumped by Godzilla — literally; Godzilla jumps on him. How Optimus didn’t notice a 180-foot tall dinosaur sneaking up on him is a bit of a question, but I guess he needs to get his sensors upgraded. Maybe a trojan virus is screwing with his system and slowing all his processes down. That’s the importance of safe sex among giant robots; forget to wear a condom, and a gigantic radioactive dinosaur will mug you and kick your ass.

Anyway, despite the fact that Godzilla is many times larger than Optimus Prime, he doesn’t panic. He simply transforms into an eighteen wheeler and becomes the equivalent of a mobile roller skate to Godzilla. Before he realizes what’s going on, Godzilla is being taken for a ride by Optimus. Then Optimus Prime does a wicked wheelie and sends Godzilla flying, knocking over a few skyscrapers and really embarrassing the giant lizard. Japanese businessmen come out of their ruined office buildings to point and laugh at the monster’s faux pas. Round One goes to Optimus Prime.

Round Two:
Embarrassed in front of all the cool panicked Japanese guys, Godzilla flies into a rage — well, even more so than normal. Optimus Prime isn’t afraid to defend himself, however, and unleashes a barrage of laser fire. But even Optimus Prime’s massive artillery isn’t enough to hurt Godzilla’s thick hide, and the big lizard shrugs it off. He opens up with a blast of nuclear fire, catching Optimus Prime at point blank range. Optimus tries to dodge, but before he knows it his joints have melted together and he’s fused in place by Godzilla’s radioactive breath. Round Two goes to Godzilla.

Round Three:
With the immediate threat dealt with, Godzilla picks up Optimus Prime and returns to the sea. He makes sure the robot will never harm him again by burying him thousands of feet below sea level. It will take Optimus quite a while to break out of there, since his joints are currently fused together. However, Godzilla’s nuclear breath didn’t damage the Leadership Matrix, which ensures that Optimus will survive, although he won’t be coming back in this fight. Godzilla, meanwhile, emerges from the ocean and decides to earn back the respect and fear of the Japanese people the only way he knows how: by destroying Tokyo! Round Three and the fight go to Godzilla.

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