Optimus Prime versus Batman and Robin
Optimus Prime is a living legend among nerds and lovers of 1980s cartoons alike. He is also quickly rising through the ranks of this section, taking out opponent after opponent and compiling an impressive undefeated record. The Dynamic Duo opposing him is not so fortunate. They’ve taken the hard road to the Contest of Champions; Batman has been humbled more than once before finally teaming up with Robin to defeat the Ambiguously Gay Duo. We’ll see if the mean streets of Fight Town (oh god, I’m sorry I said that) have toughened them up enough to take down the current champ.
Some people have inquired as to why this fight is happening. My explanation is twofold. First, I don’t need a reason for my fights to happen; logic and common sense have never governed this section. Second, this fight is an homage of sorts to “The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny.” In that epic battle, Batman and Optimus Prime clash for a brief moment before Abe Lincoln showed up with an Ak-47. The battle was never resumed, because Chuck Norris descended from the heavens and crushed Batman between his mighty thighs.
But on this page, the brief glimpse that we saw can turn into an epic battle. As in the Ultimate Showdown, Batman starts the battle by launching a bat-grenade at Optimus Prime. This enrages the mighty robot, and he starts chasing down the caped crusader. But Batman this time has the benefit of Prep Time and his boy companion Robin. While Batman dashes toward the batmobile, Robin throws a batarang and trips Optimus up with a bat-line. While Optimus Prime crashes to the ground, Batman hops into the batmobile. Then he takes a quick inhalation of bat-redundancy bat-spray, and prepares some bat-missiles out of the bat-launcher to finish Optimus Prime off. Round One goes to Batman and Robin.
While the specially-strengthened bat-line is formidable, it’s still no match for the sheer power that is Optimus Prime. Before Batman can ready the missiles, Optimus transforms into a tractor trailer, snapping the lines. Batman fires the missiles, and Optimus engages in some fancy driving, narrowly avoiding a grim bat-death. The maneuvering is not without its consequences, however, as Optimus inadvertently runs over Robin in the process. Batman leaps out of the batmobile and screams to the cruel bat-gods as he observes the mangled corpse of the boy wonder. Meanwhile, Optimus runs over the Batmobile, wrecking it. Round Two goes to Optimus Prime.
Angst is a powerful force. Even more powerful is the bat-angst that Batman is now experiencing at the loss of his ward. Furious, Batman decides to ignore his sworn oath against killing, and resorts to lethal force against Optimus Prime. He pulls out a bat-EMP grenade, which will wreak havoc with Optimus’ circuitry and cause his systems to shut down. He lobs it as Optimus transforms back into a giant robot, and the grenade goes off with a blast of EMP radiation. Surprisingly, Optimus is unfazed. Batman’s not the only one with prep time on his side, and Optimus used his prep time to coat his circuitry with anti-EMP shielding. He hefts his laser at Batman, but the dark knight doesn’t even move. He stands confidently, certain that the bat-laser deflection spray that he coated his costume with will do the trick. Perhaps it would, but Optimus doesn’t rely on the laser cannon to do the trick. Instead, he just swings the hefty metal barrel like a bat, and knocks Batman over Gotham City’s skyline. Batman becomes a man-sized bat-baseball, and eventually turns into a bat-smear on someone’s bat-sidewalk many bat-miles away. And now I’m done with the bat-thingamajig jokes. Round Three and the match go to Optimus Prime.