Iron Man versus Samus Aran
Iron Man is enjoying quite the run on this page, having defeated five people and posting zero losses. He’ll be facing off against Samus Aran, who defeated Iron Man’s Marvel Comics counterpart before falling to Bruce Campbell in the Biggest Damned Fight Ever. We won’t fault her for the loss, though, as ninety-eight others also lost. Many people point to Ms. Pac-Man as a strong female protagonist in early video game history, but Samus is the real deal. She’s what every modern woman really wants to be: attractive, athletic, and capable of killing alien space pirates with freeze missiles launched from a suit of power armor.
With all the chaos that Iron Man has wrought recently, Samus Aran decides to go collect the bounty on his head. She flies her ship toward Earth, where her advanced weaponry is sure to easily defeat her foe. However, in keeping with the plot of most Metroid games, Samus is required to lose her abilities at the start of our story. By power of plot device, Iron Man jumps Samus, using the advantage of surprise to beat the bounty hunter senseless and severely damage her suit. He then tosses her into a canyon. He takes her missiles and bombs, and scatters them in various hiding places to ensure that she can’t use them. Chuckling to himself about how clever he is, he goes off to cause more havoc, sure that he will never hear from Samus again. After all, what are the odds that she recovers, repairs her power suit, finds all of the power ups, and tracks down Iron Man again? Round One goes to Iron Man.
Much to Iron Man’s surprise, Samus recovers, repairs her power suit, finds all of the power ups, and tracks down Iron Man again. This time she approaches in her morph ball form, leaving Iron Man to think that someone has kicked a bizarre metal soccer ball his way. He stares at the bizarre sphere as it follows his every movement, and wonders if maybe it’s not a soccer ball but some sort of bizarre robot hedgehog curled up in defense. While his twisted brain ponders other outlandish possibilities, Samus prepares to strike. Boy, is Iron Man’s face red when he realizes that the sphere was actually Samus all along! And by red, I mean bloody. Because Samus shoots him with her laser cannon. In the face. Repeatedly. Round Two goes to Samus Aran.
After recovering from the severe blasting that Samus gives him, Iron Man lashes out with a weapon of his own: his machinegun. He empties a clip right into Samus, and is more than a little dismayed to find that the bullets didn’t do anything more than dent her armor suit. He then tries to assault her with his lead fists, but Samus uses her agility, enhanced jumping ability, and morphing technology to keep away from him. Finally, Iron Man turns to beat a hasty retreat so he can regroup and come up with a plan to kill Samus. Once he turns, though, Samus sees her opportunity. She fires a freeze missile that hits Iron Man square in the back. He is immediately covered in a sheet of ice and immobilized. Samus loads him aboard his ship and brings him in alive, where he is studied by intergalactic researchers and eventually imprisoned — but not in a great magnetic field. With her mission accomplished, Samus strips out of her power suit and does a series of poses in her skintight blue jump suit. Because apparently that’s also what men wanted women in the 80s to be like. Round Three and the match go to Samus Aran.