The Biggest Damned Fight Ever: Rounds 11-20
Round Eleven: Agent Smith
The machine overlords that secretly run our everyday lives have noted the chaos that one man has caused by now and decide to set everything right. They reprogram the Matrix, putting the moon back into its orbit and fixing the interdimensional tears that Bruce’s journeys have caused. Furthermore, they have decided that Bruce Campbell needs to be eliminated. They send Agent Smith out to do it despite the fact that he’s gone rogue and has corrupted the Matrix himself. Hey, no one ever said that computers were logical…oh, wait…that’s what everyone says…
Well, everybody else is obviously wrong.
Anyway, hundreds of Agent Smiths attack Bruce, battering him into submission. Even Bruce’s amazing endurance and strength can’t fend off the overwhelming numbers. But rather than kill him, Smith wants to absorb him, taking over yet another victim and creating another copy of himself. Smith sticks his hand into Bruce’s chest and then that creepy thing from The Matrix Reloaded happens. However, through sheer force of will Bruce manages to reverse the process, causing Smith to shriek in horror just before he disappears forever. All of the Agent Smiths out there are rewritten to become copies of Bruce Campbell. The copies then charge at the original, running into him and merging into a super Bruce Campbell, who is stronger, faster, and somehow even cooler than the original. Round Eleven goes to the new and improved Bruce Campbell.
Round Twelve: The Incredible Hulk
Bruce gets very little rest after his battle with Agent Smith when a big green rampaging Hulk comes smashing through the city. It’s not that the Hulk is out looking for a fight; it’s just that our country’s military seems to consider a half-ton super strong angry juggernaut of destruction to be a threat. As a result, they’ve been hounding him with fighter jets, tanks, and of course, giant robots. Looking to get away from all the pesky missiles and bullets, the Hulk stumbles across Bruce Campbell. At first, the big green Hulk is ready to smash yet another puny human, but Bruce flashes a winning smile and convinces the Hulk that he’s not an enemy. He even brings the Hulk home and cooks some beans for dinner, making a friend out of a potential enemy.
BAM! The ol’ fork to the eye trick!
Of course, even the Hulk’s eyes are almost invulnerable, so Bruce just bends his fork up. However, the gesture of hostility is not lost on the jade giant. The Hulk gets angry and is ready to smash Bruce, but can’t bring himself to hurt his friend. Feeling upset and betrayed, the Hulk leaps away in tears. Bruce Campbell shrugs and finishes his meal. Round Twelve goes to Bruce Campbell on account of hurt feelings.
Round Thirteen: Darth Vader
Despite a couple of humbling losses, Vader has been a remarkably consistent winner on this page. He meets Bruce Campbell shortly after the Hulk leaps away and immediately draws his light saber. After watching what he insists are slanderous lies about him told by George Lucas in the Star Wars prequels, Vader is out to destroy almost everyone in Hollywood, including Mr. Campbell. Why doesn’t he just take aim with the Death Star? Because that is too indiscriminate a weapon and he really likes The OC (I honestly don’t know what that show is or what it is about). He hasn’t seen any Sam Raimi movies and thus has missed out on most the the best performances of Bruce’s career. (He did watch The Adventures of Brisco County, Jr., but like everyone else except for myself and four other people in the universe, he didn’t like it.)
Now a light saber is a pretty impressive weapon, but it doesn’t phaze Bruce. Why? Because Bruce has a remote control right next to him. He turns on the TV, switches it to a soap opera, and points to the weakest, most pathetic character on the show.
“See how nobody loves that guy? He’s just like you.”
Torn by his Hayden Christensen-like angst, Vader throws back his head and screams like a wuss.
During this moment of distraction, Bruce grabs a hammer and beats the crap out of his foe. He drags Vader’s unconscious body out to the curb, where the Dark Jedi is mistaken for a leftover Halloween costume and removed. Round Thirteen goes to Bruce Campbell. On a side note, shame on you George Lucas for pussifying one of my favorite villains.
Round Fourteen: The Fantastic Four
The Fantastic Four are on the trail of the Hulk, mainly because the Thing loves proving how tough he is by having old greenskin beat him periodically like a red-headed stepchild. In their investigation they come across Bruce Campbell’s place just after he has disposed of Lord Vader. They try to question Bruce, but he’s a bit irritable at the moment and doesn’t cooperate. And because comics are often written with the simplest minds in the world as the target audience, the fact that Bruce is tired and doesn’t feel like answering questions immediately turns into a slugfest. The Thing throws the first punch, but his rock hard skin is no match for Bruce’s rock hard chin, and old Ben Grimm breaks his hand. He curls up in a ball and crawls away, partially thankful that for once the Hulk won’t be the guy beating the life out of him. The Human Torch lights up, only to be floored when Bruce pulls out a fire extinguisher and takes him out. Mr. Fantastic tries his super amazing power of stretching a lot, which should never ever be useful, but bruce counters that by whipping out his old Stretch Armstrong action figure. Mr. Fantastic tried to out-stretch Stretch, but no one can accomplish such a feat, and the leader of the FF collapses in exhaustion after pulling his body all out of proportion. Sue Storm, the Invisible Woman, is the only one left, but she surprisingly doesn’t fight. Drawn by Bruce’s raw animal magnetism, she starts flirting with him, right in front of her husband. Bruce is momentarily tempted by her unrealistically proportioned comic book sized knockers, but then shrugs his shoulders and walks away.
“No thanks,” he says. “I think I can do better.”
The door slams hard, leaving the Invisible Woman alone with her unconscious teammates. Devastated, she does what an invisible woman does best: she disappears, never to be seen again. Round Fourteen goes to Bruce Campbell.
Round Fifteen: Tenchi Masaki
Exhausted from all the bloodshed that has followed him around, Bruce travels abroad and eventually finds himself in the Japanese countryside. There he arrives at a Shinto shrine, hoping to finally get some rest from the chaos that has surrounded his life. Unfortunately, he picks the wrong place to get some peace. The shrine’s keeper, Katsuhito Masaki, is training his grandson Tenchi in Jurai battle techniques. Meanwhile, Tenchi’s father Noboyuki is getting his ass kicked up and down by five alien women who were all taking a bath when he decided to take a peak at them. A little blue-haired girl and a cat-rabbit hybrid that turns into a spaceship are cleaning the walkway and talking about the last time the whole gang faced off against interdimensional demons and galactice police. Bruce is immediately set on edge at all of this and more than a little unnerved. That feeling is only heightened when Tenchi leaps out of some bushes and attacks him with a wooden sword. Sensing Bruce Campbell’s incredible power, Katsuhito made up a story that he had assaulted one of the girls so that Tenchi would fight him. After all, only by facing a superior warrior can the power of Jurai truly be unlocked…and besides, that allows him to duck out of training early and get some tea.
Tenchi, being a stout-hearted and skillful warrior, gets his shots in. If he were using a real sword, he might even seriously wound Bruce. Instead the stinging blows of the bokken only piss him off. Hauling back his first, he cracks Tenchi upside the head, knocking the poor boy out with one mighty blow and storming away in a huff.
Sipping his tea and observing from afar, Katsuhito shakes his head.
“My my…Tenchi still has much to learn. And he probably needs some ice for that broken nose. I’ll have to increase the rigors of his training. I just hope that he appreciates all I do for him…”
Round Fifteen goes to Bruce Campbell.
Round Sixteen: Luke Skywalker
Deep in space, Jedi Knight Luke Skywalker feels a disturbance in the Force as Bruce Campbell’s mind becomes more and more unhinged by the constant attacks upon him. Luke travels to Earth, hoping to keep Bruce from finally snapping and killing everybody indiscriminantly. Using the Jedi mind trick, he tells Bruce to calm down and do something that will help him relax. Cowed by Luke powerful Jedi voodoo, Bruce decides to relax and head into the forest to cut some wood. Luke accompanies him in order to ensure that Bruce will remain calm. The wood cutting goes well until Bruce slips with the chainsaw and cuts off Luke’s hand. Luke falls to the ground with a scream and a curse because this is the fifth or sixth time he’s lost his hand. The momentary lapse of concentration causes the mind control to wear off, and the sight of yet another foe lying at his feet broken and bleeding is enough to finally break Bruce’s mind and send him into a murderous rage. With a primal scream, Bruce finishes off Luke and then marches back to civilization with his chainsaw and blood on his mind. Round Sixteen goes to Bruce Campbell…and heaven help the rest of us.
Round Seventeen: Zechs Merquise versus Batman
Having finally been pushed over the edge, Bruce starts a killing spree (read: splatterfest). News of his unstoppable rampage quickly spreads to the ears of Zechs Merquise, the Thundercount. Bruce’s rampage flies in the face of Zechs’s philosophy of absolute pacifism, and Zechs hops into the Talgeese and flies out to stop Bruce. Unfortunately, by that time Bruce has already hijacked a military base and uses an anti-aircraft cannon to knock the mech out of the sky. Emerging from the rubble, Zechs decides that the battle needs to be settled in person. Grabbing a sword, he chases down Bruce and the two go at it, blade versus chainsaw. At some point during the battle, Zechs reflects on how similar he used to be to Bruce in his bloodlust and desire for war. The angst builds inside him. As we know from watching any anime, angst makes people exponentially more powerful, and he begins to overpower Bruce. However, just when it looks like he might be in place for a killing blow, the angst overwhelms his mortal form and his head explodes. Bruce is such a fierce combatant that not even the raw power of emotion can overcome him. He continues on his killing spree unabated. Round Seventeen goes to Bruce Campbell.
Round Eighteen: Batman
Perched upon a rooftop, Batman looks down upon the streets of Gotham City. The streets are particularly bloody tonight. They call out for a savior. They call out for a hero. The call out for…Batman.
Batman draws himself up to his full height and prepares to take up the fight against evil.
“I am vengeance. I am the night. I am…HURK!”
Before Batman finishes his monologue, Bruce Campbell walks up behind him and cuts his head off with a chainsaw. The killing spree continues. Round Eighteen goes to Bruce Campbell.
Round Nineteen: Godzilla
Bruce Campbell’s international killing spree eventually takes him to Tokyo, which has been evacuated due to yet another Godzilla attack. But Bruce isn’t going to let a little thing like a gigantic radioactive dinosaur slow him down. Instead, he runs right up to the monster and hacks at him with his trusty chainsaw. The chainsaw simply breaks apart against Godzilla’s impenetrable hide and the giant destroyer almost crushes Bruce without noticing him. But that won’t slow down Bruce Campbell. He’s American, and America has the bomb. Rushing to a nearby airbase, he hijacks a nuclear weapon and a bomber, flies it over Godzilla’s head, and drops the atom bomb onto his foe. While Godzilla was born in the heart of nuclear fire, that was a puny 1950s bomb, not the megabombs of today which are thousands of times more devastating. Godzilla is seemingly destroyed.
There’s one problem: Bruce rode the bomb down. Hey, who wouldn’t clamp a nuclear warhead between their legs and ride it all the way to Hell? I’ll tell you who…commies!
One thing that I’ve learned from reading decades of comic books is that nuclear explosions either kill people or they give them superpowers. Thus, in the fallout of the atomic blast, Bruce Campbell gains awesome radioactive superpowers. He flies off, more powerful and more insane than ever. Round Nineteen goes to super-radioactive Bruce Campbell.
Round Twenty: The Big Lizard
With his newfound super powers, the insane Bruce Campbell goes on to cause another apocalypse (the second one in this fight, I believe), raining down nuclear destruction upon everybody. This awakens the Big Lizard, also known as the American Godzilla from that godawful 1998 movie. The Big Lizard possesses no real intelligence of its own but nonetheless instinctually knows that something is wrong after the entire Eurasian land mass is destroyed. It sees Bruce flying overhead shooting laser beams out of his eyes and laughing maniacally and tries to chase him down. Unfortunately, the monster trips over its own imcompetence. Bruce uses this momentary opening to fly circles around the lizard, moving faster and faster until he creates a cyclone that rockets the creature off the face of the Earth and into the depths of space. The process not only utterly destroys the lizard, but uses up the remainder of Bruce’s nuclear power. As his super powers burn out, so does his temporary insanity. He awakes in the nuclear wasteland that he inadvertently created, unsure of what just transpired and not knowing how to get home. Exhausted and disoriented, he begins trudging through the vast emptiness toward the setting sun… Round Twenty goes to a very confused Bruce Campbell.