The Biggest Damned Fight Ever: Rounds 1-10

Rocking the early 19th century style.Round One: Doctor Doom
After losing to Doctor Evil in the first fight on this page, Dr. Doom has been surprisingly invisible here. Now he steps onto the grandest stage of all in an attempt to overthrow the champ. With his metal-plated body and genius intellect, he seems to be a formidable foe for Bruce Campbell. That idea works out in theory but not in practice, as Bruce grafts on the cybernetic metal hand from Army of Darkness and tears open Doom’s armor. Doom then gets a faceful of boomstick at point-blank range.

However, many miles away, another Doctor Doom watches the short battle on the viewscreen of his secret lair.

“You fool! That was only a Doom robot that you killed!” Doom laughs maniacally until someone taps him on the shoulder.

“That’s okay,” explains a second Bruce Campbell. “It was only a Bruce Campbell robot that did the killing.”

The real Bruce Campbell proceeds to crack Doom open like a peanut and finish him off. Round One goes to Bruce Campbell.

Round Two: Doctor Evil
Dr. Evil has had some of the most surprising victories and some of the most shameful defeats on this web page. He has appeared in just as many fights as Bruce Campbell, albeit without the same success, and despite already facing the champ and losing he’s up for another shot at the title. This time he decides to go about things a little differently. He rents out a standard Bond chick, the type with a name like Kissy Suzuki or Pussy Galore. He then gives her some instructions which should bring the mighty Bruce Campbell down. She is to seduce him and then inject him with a lethal poison, killing him.

The first part of the plan works perfectly; Bruce Campbell reacts about the same way that most men would if a supermodel threw her breasts into their face. However, he makes love the Bruce Campbell way. Only Shaft is more irresistable, and then only when he’s really trying. The Bond chick falls in love with Bruce and spills her guts. There are only two sounds the next morning when Doctor Evil shows up the next day to see the body: the sound of Bruce’s fist hitting Dr. Evil and the sound of Dr. Evil hitting the floor. Round Two goes to Bruce Campbell.

Round Three: The Tick
The big blue lover of justice, the Tick bounds onto the scene eager to smite evil. Bruce Campbell, however, isn’t really evil. As such, the two warriors spend the first few moments of the round admiring the other’s enormous chin. Then the Tick remembers Bruce as that guy who had a couple cameos in the Spider-Man movies. Assuming that he is Spider-Man’s sidekick come to fight a comic book turf war, the Tick leaps into action, good-naturedly pummeling his foe. Bruce is taken a little aback by the sheer strength of his opponent but fights back. Eventually, the Tick summons all of his mighty strength to throw Bruce Campbell into orbit. Taken by surprise, Bruce collides with the moon. The Tick is dusting his blue body suit off and congratulating himself when he sees a large shadow in the sky. Looking up, he gives a sigh of dismay as he notes that he has accidentally knocked the moon off kilter and sent it on a collision course with Earth. The moon lands right on the Tick’s head, knocking him for a loop. The resulting dust cloud blots out the sun as tidal waves flood the Earth, creating an instant post-apocalyptic setting. In such a world, only one man is tough enough to survive and restore order to the chaos. That man is naturally Bruce Campbell, who emerges from the rubble of the moon rather grimy but otherwise unscathed. Round Three goes to Bruce Campbell.

Round Four: Superman
The Bruce Campbell legend actually began with Superman. Supes was the first person to get his ass handed to him by our hero. Since then he has become the Screamsheet’s official fall guy, losing as many fights as Bruce Campbell has won. It’s a pretty long fall for the first comic book superhero, and Superman has taken it pretty darned hard. He’s hit rock bottom since then and is fighting hobos for cheese – and losing. It seems that everyone has some sort of kryptonite these days. One day Superman has reached the depths of despair and exposes himself to kryptonite in an attempt to end it all. However, he accidentally exposes himself to red kryptonite instead of green kryptonite. While green kryptonite kills him, red kryptonite has a different effect on him every time. Since I don’t know all of the weird things that this stuff has done to him over the years, I’ll throw out something so outlandish that I don’t think even crack-addicted comic book writers from the 1960s could imagine.

The red kryptonite turns him into a polka-dotted purple antelope with seven nostrils for 24 hours.

What does this have to do with Bruce Campbell? Well, he’s out on a hunting trip, and it happens to be polka-dotted purple antelope with seven nostrils season. So Bruce takes aim with his shotgun and blows the poor bizarre creature away, killing Superman. The ASPCA gets angry at the harming of what is obviously an endangered species, but there’s nothing they can really do, is there? Round Four goes to Bruce Campbell.

Round Five: Gandalf
Well, the ASPCA doesn’t exactly do nothing. They go for their champion, one of the lead characters from The Lord of the Rings who is always spouting off about all that is green and good. They go to Gandalf the Grey, or the White…whatever. Anyway, Gandalf decides to exact vengeance against Bruce Campbell for killing…whatever that thing that he killed was. He goes about the killing with the best, most environmentally-friendly tool of vengeance available: fire and lots of it. The sudden burst of flames around Bruce stymies him for a moment and forces him to retreat while he wonders why so many psychos are out to get him today. Using his brilliant tactical mind, Bruce decides to fight fire with fire…quite literally. He spends a few hours gathering up enough pyrotechnics to re-enact the eruption of Mt. Vesuvius, by which time Gandalf tracks him down again to finish him off. Loading the fireworks into a catapult and lighting the fuse, Bruce launches them at his foe. (Where did he get the catapult? More like…what didn’t he get the catapult? Yeah…think about that for a while.)

Naturally, being a wizard with a ring that helps him to control fire, Gandalf manages to cast a spell that extinguishes the flames and silences the explosions before they hit him. However, the distraction is enough to get Bruce into position behind the old grey wizard, where he resorts to an old-fashioned beating and punches Gandalf out. Round Five goes to Bruce Campbell…see a trend yet?

Round Six: Elminster
Elminster has had a bad run of luck in which he got his head chopped off by Gandalf. Some priests of Mystra have since resurrected him, and he’s next on the list of people going against Bruce. He doesn’t really have a beef with Mr. Campbell; he’s just kinda pissed off because he got decapitated. I know I’d be mad.

Anyway, Elminster summons Bruce away from Earth and onto Faerûn, where he immediately starts pelting our champion with magic missiles and the like. By all logic, Bruce should be dead right then and there. However, we’re talking about a plucky and comical hero with nothing to lose. Seeing as Bruce Campbell perfectly straddles the line between hero and comic relief, he just gets bounced around hilariously and scuffed up by the spells. Seeing that his foe is somehow protected through this shield of good fortune, Elminster ceases his castings and draws his sword to finish off the battle. But we’re talking about a guy who is thousands of years old and is pretty feeble compared to the rock hard chin of Bruce Campbell. Bruce easily disarms the mage and stabs him through the chest. Elminster teleports away, miraculously kept alive by the millions of idiotic failsafe spells that the makers of the Forgotten Realms setting decided that he needed. Even so, he’s learned the valuable lesson that it’s not fun to take on Bruce Campbell. Round Six goes to…you get the idea.

Round Seven: Pikachu
The basic motivation of all Pokemon boils down to a love of battle, and Pikachu is no different. Sure the electric rat looks all cuddly and cute on the outside, but on the inside beat the cold electricity-driven heart of a murderous mammal. In an attempt to return to Earth, Bruce Campbell flings himself into a random dimensional portal on Faerûn and winds up in Kanto. Sensing a worthy opponent, Pikachu immediately leaps into battle, zapping Bruce with its electric power. The whole thing turns out to be very annoying, but we’re talking about a man who just shrugged off repeated lightning bolts from Elminster. A yellow mouse shooting sparks doesn’t exactly compare. After Pikachu is all zapped out, Bruce very purposefully marches over and stomps the little rat flat. Ash Ketchum is rather distraut at the loss of his companion, but Bruce is pretty pissed off at being attacked by strange people everywhere he goes. He throttles the obnoxious kid. After realizing what he’s done, he rationalizes it in the best manner possible:

“Eh, he was probably a zombie anyway.” At the very least, Ash looks too pointy and abstract to be a person, so it satisfies Bruce’s troubled conscience.

Bruce starts looking for another interdimensional portal that can bring him back home, not realizing that all the while he is being watched… Round Seven goes to Bruce Campbell.

Round Eight: Bert
No sooner does Bruce begin stumbling through this strange new land that he gets attacked by a swarm of thousand of pigeons with shoulder-mounted laser cannons. Their sheer numbers manage to overwhelm him, and he is carried away to another strange land. More accurately, he’s carried away to a bizarre street where sunny days sweep clouds away, where giant yellow birds stalk the streets and strange green men live in trashcans. In short, the pigeons show him how to get…to Sesame Street.

Hoping to harness Bruce Campbell’s power in order to take over the world, the maniacally evil Bert has our hero strapped to a table and bound in chains. With his enemy helpless, Bert does what every crazed villain is required to do and starts explaining his plan for world dominance. He plans on creating a death ray powered by Bruce Campbell’s sheer awesomeness to destroy Sesame Street and take Ernie out once and for all. While Bert explains the pseudo-science behind harnesses abstract and subjective qualities about a person and turning it into a deadly weapon, Bruce begins working his way out of his bonds. At an appropriately dramatic moment, he breaks free of his chains and punches Bert right in the face. Bert fights back, but as he is made entirely of felt his attacks do no damage. Bruce beats the stuffing out of Bert quite literally. The pigeons swoop in to fight for their master, but Bruce grabs the lead pigeon out of the air and bites its head off. Having proved himself the alpha pigeon and gaining the loyalty of the flock, Bruce has them fly him home. Round Eight goes to Bruce Campbell. You’ve read it; now you can’t unread it, suckers!

Round Nine: Ernie
Although he’s had his differences with Bert in the past, Ernie is not about to let his friend’s death go unavenged. Putting a kitchen pot over his head to use as a helmet and arming himself with a pocket knife, he takes his Rubber Duckie (formerly decapitated by Bert, fixed up with duct tape since that tragedy) and makes his way to Bruce Campbell’s home. The voyage is long, however, and Ernie never really had the best of attention spans. By the time he gets to Mr. Campbell’s door, he thinks he’s trying to espouse the merits of the letter of the day rather than on a quest for bloody vengeance.

“Listen, buddy,” says Bruce, trying to be reasonable. “I really don’t care about the letter G.”

“You…don’t care?” An inexplicable bloodlust comes over Ernie. “You don’t care about G?!” Furious, Ernie leaps at Bruce with his pocket knife. Acting in self-defense, Bruce catches the puppet in mid-air and throws him into a wood chipper. Round Nine goes to Bruce Campbell.

Round Ten: Morgan Blackhand
Once upon a time, I liked Cyberpunk 2020. I thought it was an awesome setting, and I thought that Morgan Blackhand was one of the coolest characters out there. That’s why I wrote a fight where he beats Agent Smith. For that, I am very sorry. Morgan Blackhand is not cool. He is a paranoid creep of a man designed specifically to prove how insanely careful cyberpunks have to be in Mike Pondsmith’s role-playing setting lest they get killed by the most idiotic of things, like contact poison on a toilet seat. I’m serious. The Cyberpunk 2020 Game Master’s book actually recommends pulling random traps like that to keep players on their toes. Where is the fun of having your PC die on the friggin’ John?

Anyway, rant off.

Anyway, the ASPCAhas given up on trying to kill Bruce, but NASA is out to get him for destroying the moon. They had a lot of funding going into trips to that moon, and they’re not all that happy. So they hire out a solo to kill Bruce. They go for the self-purported best, Morgan Blackhand. In his own words, he’s not the best because he’s a solo; he’s a solo because he’s the best.

What does that mean, anyway?

Anyway, Morgan waits until Bruce goes out grocery shopping. Then he breaks in and starts with his shit, stringing piano wire in doorways, putting poison needles on armchairs, and rigging mattresses with explosives. While he’s doing all that, the house explodes, killing him.

Turns out that Bruce loaded up his basement with explosives and detonated them fifteen minutes after leaving the house, just in case. You might call it crazy, but it turned out that he needed to do that in order to kill Mr. Blackhand, eh?

Hey, he’s not the best because he’s Bruce Campbell. He’s Bruce Campbell because he’s the best. Round Ten goes to Bruce Campbell.

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