The Cheat versus Krypto the Super Dog

Why do either of these two exist?The Cheat comes from one of the best sites on the Internet, Homestarrunner.com. He serves mainly as a sidekick to either Strong Bad or Strong Mad, and is some sort of yellow furry creature that looks like a cross between a cheese and an anvil (which are two of the finest things in life). He’s quite a prankster, and also makes some cool music videos (though not as cool as mine…except for his “Fhwqgads” one). Facing him in this match-up is Krypto the Super Dog. He’s one of the lamest things ever. Apparently back in the 40s, 50s, and 60s, writers were either mentally disabled or on drugs 24/7. As a result, we got the League of Super Pets, which featured Krypto alongside a super monkey, a super cat, a super horse, and some others as well. I don’t know what exactly Krypto’s origin is, despite actually reading it online. I do know that he is essentially Superman in canine form. Since Superman is the Screamsheet’s unofficial whipping boy, I think you can all guess about how well Krypto is going to do.

Round One:
Because the concept of a super-dog annoys me a little and because I’m a stupid manchild with poor impulse control, I shot and killed him with a kryptonite bullet before the fight began. It was kind of like Old Yeller, only without the part where people cared that the dog was being killed. I know that I promised everyone a big, exciting fight, and if I could go back in time I would undo it and all…well, actually, if I could go back in time I would fight Nazis, which seems to be the cool thing to do on this page. Anyway, I’ve forgotten my point, so how’s about I just go back to acting as an omniscient narrator…?

Upon leaving a local Babbage’s, the Cheat finds Krypto’s corpse lying in the parking lot next to the dumpsters. Giving the matter careful consideration, he steals Krypto’s fruity red cape, figuring that it might come in handy at some point in the near future. He then leaves for home, letting Krypto rest in peace. Round One goes to the Cheat.

Round Two:
The fight could be left at that if it wasn’t for the fact that, like Superman, Krypto is just about invulnerable. As a result, all of the microbes and insects and other creepy crawlies that would normally devour a dog’s corpse can’t penetrate his skin. Eventually, as often happened in the Silver Age of comics, some sort of funky red kryptonite falls to Earth in a meteor shower and bathes Krypto in some weird radiation. The weirdness winds up resurrecting Krypto, and focuses his rage toward the Cheat, even though Krypto doesn’t technically know who the Cheat is. Krypto goes nuts and zooms around the Earth at the speed of sound, ultimately smashing through the Cheat’s wall and damaging his IMac, enraging to yellow critter. The two stare each other down for a moment, and then the Cheat throws a brick of kryptonite at the dog, nailing him upside the head. I don’t know where the Cheat got an irradiated piece of a dying planet…he probably bought some on eBay or something. Anyway, Krypto is knocked out cold, and the Cheat throws him out the window. Round Two goes to the Cheat.

Round Three:
Using Krypto’s cape to patch the hole in his wall, the Cheat goes back to work, abandoning his computer and hitting the Playstation. Two stories down, Krypto wakes up and flies back toward the hole in the wall, angrier than ever before. He’s so blinded by rage, in fact, that he doesn’t even notice the cape being used as a patch, thinking that he can just fly right through it. Alas for poor Krypto, the cape is Kryptonian and thus indestructible, unless it’s damaged by something equally indestructible, like the time that Superman’s indestructible spaceship was damaged when the indestructible rocket fuel exploded and broke the indestructible glass of the indestructible cockpit. No, I’m not kidding. Like I said, comic writers of the Silver Age were nuts.

Anyhoo…

Krypto gets tangled up in the indestructible cape, giving the Cheat ample time to prepare. When he finally manages to get out of the tangled mess, the Cheat is waiting for him with another kryptonite brick. Again, going with the precedent set by old comics, this stuff is pretty much as common as dirt, despite the fact that it is actually irradiated pieces of a dying planet that blew up millions of light years away. And so the Cheat proceeds to beat Krypto to death with the brick, throwing the corpse out the hole in the wall and going back to playing his video games. Round Three and the match go to the Cheat. Krypto does not come back this time.

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