Big O versus Optimus Prime

Giant robot battles solve everything.You can never have enough giant robots. Big O is the title robot of the cartoon series of the same name. He’s a giant mech under the control of a delusional hobo. There’s much more to it than that, but you’ll have to track down the show to really understand it. Fighting against the Big O will be Optimus Prime from the Transformers television series and comic books. Optimus is the leader of the Autobots and is the first “Prime.” He was killed in the lame ass Transformers animated movie thanks to his successor Rodimus Prime screwing up. All was forgiven, however, and Optimus has since returned to life. Apparently the lesson here to children is that the consequences of your mistakes don’t really matter.

Round One:
Something is wrong in Paradigm City, and Roger Smith summons Big O to help. Big O goes heroically stomping through the streets, setting off car alarms and causing some severe damage to the roads, but he looks damned cool while doing it, so all is well. While Big O is searching for trouble, a massive red tractor trailer plows right into him, knocking the mech off his feet. The truck continues cruising on, driving through the plot holes in one of my stories before wheeling around and making another pass. Big O stands up and prepares to smash the hostile driverless vehicle, but it transforms into a giant robot as it closes in. Stunned that the tractor trailer is more than meets the eye, Roger and Big O are helpless as Optimus Prime slams his opponent with Autobot fists of fury, knocking Big O through a pair of skyscrapers. Round One goes to Optimus Prime.

Round Two:
Ever the gentleman, Optimus waits for Big O to recover and join the fight. Big O gets up shakily but joins the fight, with Roger screaming about philosophy in that wonderfully cheesy anime style of his. The two robots engage first in a battle of fists, pummeling on each other until they both have dents in their armor. Optimus gives O a nod, noting how worthy an opponent he is facing. However, the Autobot has one thing that too many giant robots lack: a gigantic laser cannon attached to his arm. He whips that thing out and fires it up, blowing a gaping hole in Big O’s stomach and unknowingly vaporizing Roger Smith. Round Two goes to Optimus Prime…I guess now we know who the real Big O is.

Round Three:
Without someone to guide it, Big O is essentially a broken puppet. Paradigm City gathers round and watches with horror as their guardian lies ruined. But all is not lost for the city, for Optimus Prime is a kind-hearted robot and doesn’t wish to leave any civilization vulnerable to the Decepticon threat. Summoning his best Autobot mechanics and a few humans who can reach where giants steel fingers cannot, Optimus has Big O rebuilt and given an AI brain. As a final gesture of kindness, Optimus equips Big O with a giant laser cannon. He then transforms into a tractor trailer again and has his Autobots roll out into the sunset. Paradigm City is left under the guardianship of a now self-aware robot armed with a giant laser. Will Big O go the way of most self-aware robots and try to destroy humanity? That will be decided in another fight. I guess Round Three is a draw, but the fight still goes to Optimus Prime.

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