Spike Spiegel versus Vash the Stampede

These guys could be spiritually linked.Of all the fight requests that have been sent my way, this one is the most requested matchup. It makes sense, too, as these guys are basically kindred spirits. In one corner we have Spike Spiegel, former Syndicate hitman and bounty hunter on the spaceship Bebop. Spike’s a slacker with badass martial art skills and a perfect aim. He can also take one hell of a beating. Facing him we have Vash the Stampede, hero of the popular anime Trigun and a badass with a heart of gold. Vash is seemingly immortal and has been declared an act of God by insurance companies for the damage that he inadvertently causes. He is also an absolute pacifist, doing his best not to hurt anyone and preaching the notions of peace and love…the frikkin’ hippie.

Round One:
As usual, Spike and his partners are out of food, out of cash, out of gas, and out of luck. So Spike is off on one big score…the man known as Vash the Stampede, who has a $$60,000,000,000 bounty on his head. Spike isn’t sure how many double dollars there are in a woolong, but he’s pretty sure that the bounty is huge. Spike tracks his quarry down to an old saloon on a world terraformed to look like the old west. It’s a place notorious for being filled with scumbags at all times, so Spike walks in with guns blazing. As he’s not a cold-blooded killer anymore (unless a woman named Julia becomes involved), he doesn’t murder anyone outright, but he does place his bullets nicely enough to scare everyone in the saloon underneath a table or behind the bar. Only one person doesn’t move; some schmuck in a red jacket who is sitting at the end of the bar crying and eating doughnuts. He seems completely oblivious to the chaos around him and mumbles something about causing too much damage wherever he goes.

Spike looks at Vash and puts on his data glasses, confirming much to his surprise that the weepy man in the corner is indeed the man he seeks. He smiles to himself, muttering that this is going to be easy as he walks over to Vash and puts a gun to the back of his head. Much to Spike’s surprise, the bounty whirls around in his seat and aims a revolver right back at him with surprising speed, and the two begin a long western faceoff. The faceoff ends when Vash pulls the trigger, only to find that there are no bullets in the gun. He puts the gun down, raises his hands slowly, and stands up in the process accidentally tripping over his own feet. Luckily Spike is there to break the fall, but only because Vash runs into him and knocks him down. Spike looks up to see Vash leaving the room. Round One goes to Vash the Stampede.

Round Two:
Spike gets up, none too pleased by the fact that Vash is stealing his gig by doing the whole “Oops, I accidentally kicked your ass” thing. He runs out to chase down Vash, but trips and falls on his way out the door. He gets up and continues his pursuit, with fate throwing random acts of chaos at him. But Spike is used to doing things the hard way, and eventually catches up to Vash. By this time, he’s in none too good a mood, so he starts thinking with his fists. Despite the fact that Vash has a gun built into his arm that could blow Spike and half the planet away, he simply takes his beating because he’s afraid of accidentally taking another life. Vash’s face swells up with several comic bruises the size of softballs, and Spike cuffs him and starts hauling him away. Round Two goes to Spike Spiegel.

Round Three:
On the way to the local authorities, the hunter and the prisoner pass a local jewelry store. For no reason whatsoever, Vash feels the need to comment on it.

“Man, that’s some pretty jewelry right there.”

Spike drops Vash and looks him in the face. “Did you say Julia?”

“Um, no, actually. I said…”

“JULIA!!!”

Spike goes ballistic and pulls out a handgun and a bunch of grenades. He runs off to the nearest mob headquarters and starts a fight that he has no chance of winning. He blasts the shit out of the place, eventually working his way up to the top of a skyscraper and jumping out of a window while firing back at the person who most reminds him of his arch-enemy Vicious. When he hits the ground after his epic fall, he is miraculously still alive, but he’s no longer in any position to bring Vash in. Vash wanders off, saddened by the loss of life that he once again caused (he thinks…). Faye comes by and bandages up Spike, then beats him up when he comments on her singing. Through it all, Jet polishes the doorjam of the Bebop, knowing that nothing he does ever changes anything… Round Three and the match go to Vash the Stampede…I think.

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