Princess Daisy versus Princess Peach

Princess free-for-all!Princess Daisy has somehow worked her way into Nintendo’s Super Mario Brothers franchise, despite only being featured in a pair of games that were released for the original Game Boy and did only marginally well by Mario standards. She’s the other woman in Mario’s life, who is more of a tomboy than the usual Princess Peach/Toadstool, and hasn’t shown as much of a propensity to be captured. Princess Peach is sick of having Daisy around macking on her man all the time. She would have done something about it long ago, but she kept getting herself captured. But now the blonde bimbo of the Mushroom Kingdom has a moment’s worth of freedom, and is planning on taking her long-time rival down. We’ll see how that turns out.

Round One:
Being the dumb bimbo that she is, Princess Peach only recently discovered Mario’s illicit relationship with Princess Daisy. Furious at her predicament, she does what too many people in this situation do: she goes after the mistress, rather than the douche who’s doing the cheating in the first place. On her way to Sarasaland, she does the typical Daisy thing and gets kidnapped by some strange cactus monster. She calls to Mario for help, but the plumber is too busy sacrificing newborns to his master Satan. (For those that missed it, I’m pretty convinced that Mario is evil.)

Daisy, meanwhile, goes out for a walk around her kingdom and manages not to get captured. That alone puts her light years ahead of Peach. Round One goes to Princess Daisy.

Round Two:
Daisy finds Peach and “rescues” her. As it turns out, what Peach saw as being kidnapped by some strange cactus monster was actually her just falling head-first into a cactus patch. You know all those blonde jokes? They’re all about Peach. Every single one of them. In fact, every time someone tells a blonde joke, Peach gets a dollar in royalties. Or at least she would, if she was smart enough to hire a lawyer.

Once Peach is freed, she manages to somehow remember what she had set out to do first. She goes after Daisy with her talking umbrella. Daisy hasn’t had the fortune to be introduced to a magical fashion accessory yet, so she has to rely on a prop from a different game. She pulls out a nine iron from the various Mario-themed golf games she’s been in and parries the attack. In a fight where one person has an umbrella, no matter how magical, and another person has a golf club, you always put money down on the person with the golf club. Unless, of course, the person wielding the umbrella happens to be the Penguin. As Peach has never even been in a Batman comic book, her umbrella is toast. It gets bent out of shape and starts begging for death. Peach, meanwhile, is left defenseless as Daisy closes in with the nine iron. Round Two goes to Princess Daisy.

Round Three:
Out of a desire to be a good sport, Daisy sets aside the golf club to face Prach in hand to hand combat. An old-school cat fight breaks out, complete with the pulling of hair and the ripping of clothes. They tumble through the landscape, falling into a pit of mud and then a gigantic pool of jello that happens to have been left out in the open for no good reason. Then a bunch of porn music starts playing. And since we’re so clearly channeling the adult movie genre, Daisy and Peach are caught up in the mood. They stop their fight and start making out. The fight ends in a wonderfully filmed but not exactly tasteful lesbian love scene. Round Three is a draw. Daisy wins by carrying two of the three rounds, but in reality everyone wins when hot lesbian action is involved.

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2 Responses to “Princess Daisy versus Princess Peach”

  1. Haha so true

  2. Devinesouljah Says:

    Daisy is better than Peach like Luigi is better than Mario so yeah

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