Munchkins versus Oompa Loompas

Attack of the little people.Short fantastic creatures, both the munchkins and the Oompa loompas are the products of ridiculous children’s stories. Munchkins come from the land of Oz and are generally pleasant fellows who sing all day. Oompa loompas work for Willy Wonka, and are slightly more vicious critters who serve mainly as bouncers and bodyguards for the purple-clad goit. Dangerous creatures, a pack of Oompa Loompas can skeletalize a cow in under three minutes.

Round One:
Excerpt from Willy Wonka’s war diary, 3 May 2003:

The war on Oz went remarkably well until today. We had captured much of the yellow brick road under the theory that it was actually aluminum-wrapped chocolate. I discovered it wasn’t when I tried to eat a brick, but then realized that owning that much solid gold will make me rich beyond my wildest dreams. Screw this working for fun, priceless laughter of a child schtick. There’s no future in that except a couple of crappy movie franchises.

We ran into a bit of resistance at a spot where the yellow brick road runs through a box canyon. Waiting in ambush were several thousand little creatures calling themselves Munchkins. Luckily, my scouts noticed the obvious trap and we lined up on the opposite side of the canyon, facing our opponents at high noon. The Munchkins sang a song about peace and friendship, which served as a perfect advantage for us as the oompaloompas began firing the cannons. Giant malted milkballs traveling at rapid speeds killed dozens of munchkins, and all seemed to be going well… Round One goes to the Oompa Loompas.

Round Two:
We slaughtered several hundred Munchkins, but more seemed to spring up from the earth itself. They attempted to offer a ceasefire in the form of doughnuts holes from some place known as Dunkin and like fools the Oompa Loompas devoured them. Perhaps if I didn’t starve them and beat them so they wouldn’t be so desperate for food and caring…

But as expected, it was a trap! The snacks were drugged, and my Oompa Loompa army fell into a peaceful slumber. The Munchkins used this to their advantage and slaughtered thousands in their sleep. I was able to make it out only with a small entourage. Round Two goes to the Munchkins.

Round Three:
No one makes a fool of William Tiberius Wonka and gets away with it, and so we waited until nightfall. Then I blew my whistle at such high frequencies that the tiny Munchkins writhed in pain. Using this distraction to their advantage, the Oompa Loompas attacked with the viciousness that is bred into their bones. Munchkins scattered left and right as the oompaloompas sang the new verse to their song that I had taught them for just such an occasion:

“Oompa loompa gobbildy doe
Spraying your blood all over the snow…”

When the fight was over, the Oompa Loompas drank the blood of their enemies, keeping their skin a healthy red-orange in color. We went on to conquer Oz rather easily, having only to deal with a lion who was too brave to run from a gun, a scarecrow who thought too much while the Oompa Loompas were tearing it to shreds, and a tinman who was too caring to even try and kill a single one of us with his mighty axe. It was a good day for evil everywhere…Muahahaha. Round Three and the fight go to the Oompa Loompas.


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