Indiana Jones versus Spawn

Can Indy defeat the renegade hell-spawn?Indiana Jones, archaeologist extraordinaire, action hero, and womanizer supreme, is the current champion of this section. He will be facing off against Spawn, who has a bunch of weird hellspawn powers and is most definitely a jerk. Spawn made his claim to fame on this site by horribly disemboweling Shirley Temple, and has been used sparingly since then. Now he has a shot to become overused, just like every other champion in this section.

This week we had a pre-fight incident in which the two combatants exchanged some hostilities. Spawn made a rather lewd comment about Indy’s mother and things only went downhill from there. There was a brief scuffle between the two, but luckily Mr. T was on hand to give them each an early pre-fight smackdown.

Round One:
Nothing happens. Both fighters just got their asses kicked by Mr. T and are recovering. Round One goes to Mr. T.

Round Two:
Indy is the first to recover and begins staggering back to the archaeology dig that he was working before I planned this fight. It turns out that while he was exploring the ruins he ended up awakening some sort of ancient Egyptian evil. Of course, ever since Bruce Campbell’s movie Bubba Ho-Tep, ancient Egyptian evils have been in high demand throughout Hollywood. This one had a previous engagement and was out on the coast doing Pepsi commercials rather than staggering around in bandages and trying to devour souls like he was supposed to. Instead he hired a fill-in: Spawn. Now you know the fight’s backstory.

Slowly, Indy pieces together his memory and recalls what was going on. Rushing into action, he returns to the area where he woke up, pistol at the ready. Unfortunately for Dr. Jones, Spawn has woken up by this point and is pretty pissed. But since there’s no way in Hell that he can take his anger out on Mr. T, he settles for the much more vulnerable-looking Indiana Jones. Indy, never one to back down from a fight when it’s a good idea, fires his pistol at Spawn, punching several holes in his body. Of course, as Spawn is already dead, this does no damage to him whatsoever. Spawn grabs Indy’s gun and crushes it, then starts advancing menacingly towards Jones. Indy decides that it’s time to make a dignified retreat and runs like hell. Round Two goes to Spawn.

Round Three:
With Dr. Jones retreating back to the dig, Spawn realizes that he has his opponent essentially trapped in a hole in the ground. He moves after Indy calmly and at a leisurely pace. To paraphrase Patrick Stewart from American Dad, Spawn is going to do weird, gruesome stuff. Butt stuff…

Indy takes advantage if the extra time by finding a place to hide and thinking of a new plan. He realizes that there are all sorts of ancient magical artifacts in this place, and at least one of them should be able to take Spawn down.

Finally tracking down Indy, Spawn turns a corner, ready to tear the mortal limb from limb. Before the demon gets a chance to strike, however, Indy hurls a vial of holy water that once belonged to the Pharaoh Amenthofrigginlongnametep. The vial shatters and soaks Spawn’s cape a little bit.

“I ah…I was kind of hoping that your skin would melt when that touched you,” explains Indy, slightly ashamed of the futile rudeness of his action.

Spawn shakes his head. “Nope…that doesn’t work on me.”

Indy nods in understanding. “Right. Because holy water only works on vampires and zombies.”

“And Dick Cheney,” adds Spawn helpfully.

Indy fakes forced laughter at Spawn’s attempt to show topical humor and reaches behind his back. Then, while Spawn is still basking in the fact that he actually told a “funny” joke, Indy unleashes his backup plan: the soul-stealing jar of Pharaoh Gezundheit…um…o-tep. Spawn is sucked into the jar, where he is destined to remain trapped for a thousand thousand years (or, in layman’s terms, a million years). Indy takes the jar home with him and buries it in the back yard, making a mental note never to get a dog that will dig up the imprisoned fury that is Spawn. Round Three and the fight goes to Indiana Jones.


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