Indiana Jones is a classic action hero who has done everything from fighting Nazis to recovering the Holy Grail. I doubt that my friends Julie and Mandy are reading this, but all I can say is: best archeologist ever. Lara Croft is the heroine of the Tomb Raider video games and movies. She’s basically a pair of tits slapped onto a polygon body. Interesting side note: despite being primarily a movie hero, Indy has beaten Lara in quantity, if not quality, of video games in addition to his success in motion pictures.
The fight to determine who is the greatest graverobbing hero of all time begins not between Indiana Jones and Lara Croft but between their legions of obsessed fans. Both heroes are heartthrobs and have madly devoted fans who love them, and the two groups go at it first. The thing is, Indy’s followers are all good-looking female grad students who can write legibly on their own eyelids. Lara’s followers are mostly obsessed video gamers who play Tomb Raider for 18 hours straight because they’ve heard that Lara Croft appears naked after that much time. Most of them are incredibly awkward around women and don’t know what to do with their foes. By the time they realize that they’re being attacked and not flirted with, it’s too late. Round One goes to Indiana Jones.
Having been slightly delayed because he was thwarting Hitler’s attempts to recover the spear of Vlad the Impaler, Indy now swoops onto the battlefield swinging from his bullwhip. Lara arrives as well and dives toward him with a pair of guns blazing, forcing Indy to take cover against the barrage of bullets. Lara continues to fire until she’s out of ammo, and then unleashes her most dangerous attack. She claps her unnaturally large breasts together, resulting in a sonic boom that leaves her foe on the verge of unconsciousness. Things certainly look bad for Indy as Lara closes in for the kill… Round Two goes to Lara Croft.
To finish things off, Lara uses the gravitational pull of her breasts to drag Indy closer and finish him up close and personal. The tide of battle turns here, because Indiana Jones was raised by Sean Connery (well, actually just a character played by Sean Connery, but since when have I cared about accuracy?). Thus he shares Connery’s less than enlightened view on women. So when he gets close to Lara, his instincts take over and POW! He socks her right in the jaw. Poor old Lara is laid out cold, and Indy dashes off into the night to fight some more Nazis and find more lost treasure. Round Three and the match go to Indiana Jones, who stands as a true credit to the profession of archeology.